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IELTS2 In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby.


FrancescaD 1 / 1  
Apr 1, 2019   #1

SHOPPING AS A HOBBY



In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extend do you think this is a positive trend?

A geneaction ago shopping was considered a chore that needed to be accomplished. A lot of people today instead, think of it as their hobby. It is no longer a boring duty, while instead it has become a leisure activity, often replacing others that are in some way healthier. This trend in my opinion is not really positive, since it carries a few negative outcomes.

The young generation mostly considers it as a great activity to do during the weekends with their friends. Due to the huge spread of shopping malls, this activity once considered tiresome and monotonous, has now become really convenient. There is, moreover no need to drive to different stores to buy a list of simple products. In these places, people can indeed find every item on the planet. Young people hence, would rather spend their free time in such places than doing activities out in th open. Shopping has furthermore become a chance for families to spend some quality time together. Since both parents' and children's lives are getting busier and busier, a lot of families have decided to spend their weekends in shopping centres.

This trend however, may be dangerous for young people. The modern society is already a consumer one; consequently, if young people start buying in a compulsive manner, the consequences might hence be enormous.

Once a duty, shopping has become a hobby. This new leaning to summarise, has spread not only between the generation of teenagers but also between families. Sinche these places have mushroomed in every city, young people have replaced activities such as sports with shopping. The latter, in my opinion should be an activity to do only occasionally, since there is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the sunlight while breathing fresh air than listening to the sound of a crowded shopping mall.
katkat 2 / 2  
Apr 1, 2019   #2
hello @FrancescaD
First, congrats on your great effort
Second, l can some comments so tht you can better your writing skill

in your essay there are some grammatical mistakes, and most of them result from liking words and punctuations ,you need to be more mindful where to put them in an appropriate way

and one more thing, normally in the conclusive part, people just paraphrase the question again and confirm their opinon without any further explaination which we usually already did in the body part

hope it could help
love,
kat
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Apr 1, 2019   #3
@FrancescaD
Please review your fundamental grammar usage and articulation. There were multiple instances wherein your essay had lacked clarity because of having construction errors.
Let's take, for instance, the first paragraph. I would rewrite the first two sentences as:
A generation* ago, shopping was considered as a chore to be accomplished. Nowadays, however, it is being thought of more as a hobby.
*Assumed correction for the word geneaction.

Watch out for run-on sentences. As with most ESL learners, you had a tendency to drag your sentences longer than they should be kept. This is a noticeable mistake all throughout the text.

Look at your last paragraph. We could revise the last sentence here as:
The latter, in my opinion, should be an activity done only occasionally. There is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the [...]

If you can divide your sentence and separate your thoughts into independent portions, it would better the structure and flow of your essay.
Best of luck as always.
OP FrancescaD 1 / 1  
Apr 2, 2019   #4
Thank you so much. Actually when I wrote it down here, I realised some parts were redundant, especially the run on sentences. The guy I've been working with has been trying to help me with those for weeks now! And if I stay focused on them while I'm writing, I've noticed that some of my thoughts could really be separated into independent sentences. I'll try to work more on them.

Thanks for you brilliant advices.
vietduccan 10 / 19 7  
Apr 3, 2019   #5
Hi, there are some problems related to your essay.
Firstly, I'd like to talk about the essay's structure. Although you have clearly written three separated parts, which are introduction, body and conclusion, they aren't relevant to the format of the IELTS Writing Task 2. In your introduction, you should briefly state the statement and provide your thesis statement, in which you have to answer directly whether this is a positive trend. It seems that your background statement in your introduction is too long and irrelevant. In your body paragraph, the obvious problem is that you don't have a balanced essay. This means that you've focused too much detail on one side of the problem, which is the reasons why people consider shopping as a habit nowsaday. Let's see, in your thesis statement, you state you think this trend has lots of negative outcomes, but in your body paragraph, all you focus is on the positive sides. This would lose your score in not only TR but also in CC criteria. The conclusion part has the similar problem with the introduction, which is too long and irrelevant.

Secondly, I'd like to talk about the grammar and vocabulary range you use in your essay. Along with many grammatical errors, it is obvious that most of the words aren't used precisely. This would make you lose score in LS. Be careful with this, you don't need to put a lot of advanced words to get a high score in the test. The essay is marked based on four criteria, hence, my advice is that you should have a clear and understandable outline first before writing the essay.


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