People were asked if and why they traveled abroad (1994-98)

100,000 people asking if they traveled abroad and why they traveled for the period 1994-98.

Visits abroad by UK residents by purpose of visit and destination

Question: The first chart below shows the results of a survey which sampled a cross-section of 100,000 people asking if they traveled abroad and why they traveled for the period 1994-98.

The second chart shows their destinations over the same period.

Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

Answer:
The given table shows figures taken from a survey which recorded the number of UK residents out of 100,000 that traveled abroad and their purposes from 1994 to 1998. The bar chart depicts information regarding the mentioned travelers' destination over the same period.

Overall, the majority of UK-based residents traveled abroad for recreational purposes from 1994 to 1998. It is also notable that Western Europe remained the most popular destination amongst those visitors throughout the period.

In 1994, there were slightly more than 22000 UK citizens who traveled abroad, and holiday-goers accounted for about 3 quarters of the figure. This number dropped to approximately 21600 in 1995, before surging up to almost 29000 at the end of the period.

As observed from the bar chart, about 18000 UK residents traveled to Western Europe in 1994, and this figure dropped accordingly to the mentioned decline in visitors, followed by a rise up to almost 25000 in 1998. Figures for travelers that went to North America and other areas also saw a slight increase, which is inconsiderable compared to that of their counterpart.

This is my attempt at a recent actual IELTS writing task 1. I did not understand the question thoroughly so I had to take a look at some sample answers and it took about 28-30 minutes for me to write this. I know I had to work harder on my planning and vocabulary to respect the time limit, but in the meantime please give any feedback to this essay, and a suggested band score if possible.

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if You use more synonyms and you will get higher score. For example, instead of using " travel", you can also use " visit".
"In 1994, there were slightly more..." maybe wrong. I don't understand that sentence.

@Maithanhhang
You're right; i didn't check the question carefully. It's a survey on 100000 people, not the whole population. Thanks!

Hoang, you did right by reviewing the sample essay before you entered into writing your own analytical report. It helped you write a review that is closer to the required presentation. Always do that before you write a practice essay so that you will know how to better approach the presentation.

Now for the weak points. Since this essay will be presented to a university lecturer, certain academic keywords need to be used in the presentation in order to give it a more academic tone. Words such as "survey results", "studies indicate", "observations have shown..." All help to show an academic analysis of the given illustration. Using the proper keywords that show respect to the position of the reader, and words that prove your academic know how can help to boost your essay score in the TA, GRA, and LR sections.

Your summary overview should have indicated the information representation from the graphs as part of the data summary and discussion outline presentation. Your paragraphs have mostly very long sentences, which will be considered run-on sentences and will affect your GRA score because you will show a lack of control over sentence development and grammar presentation. Know when you cut the sentence short and do not rely on commas to complete your presentations. Try to present your information within 5 sentences per paragraph in the 4 paragraph presentation in order to fully utilize the scoring considerations per criteria. You can't go wrong by presenting more developed sentences. You can however, get a lesser scoring consideration when you use only long sentences in your paragraphs. It is more important to present statements of fact in the essay rather than presenting a string of sentences that have various information that the reader needs to keep track of.