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Some people concede that life was superior in major avenues 100 years ago.

Azamat98 4 / 8 2  
Jun 27, 2016   #1
Question: Life now is better than it was 100 years ago.

My Answer:

Undergoing a span of a century the Earth witnessed both ameliorations and slight pitfalls. However, some people concede that life was superior in major avenues 100 years ago. According to my perspective, I stiffly concur with the statement provided and this essay would support this.

First and foremost, the way individuals live has sizeable privileges compared to it used to be a century ago. Of these privileges, the role captured by technological advancements is immense. Prevailingly, contemporary specimens of machinery have boosted our daily lives and triggered them to be prompt and efficient. People now communicate with their loved ones who are in faraway places at the push of a button or visit them in a fraction of a day. Further and even more significantly, due to an enormous medical mushroom, a great deal of fatal disorders have been being eliminated. As a result, many people's lives are saved. Looked from this perception, life is far better it was a century ago.

On the other hand, however, people now in a social breakdown. Whereas, they used to have a strong family bond and loyalty towards each other which is now gradually disappearing. The problem of the globe - increased divorce rate is wreaking havoc to young children (because of insufficient nurturing by a single parent). The abovementioned enhancement in technology, meanwhile, is also inflicting minor challenges. Since people are over relied on those gizmos, such as social networking, they tend to prefer "imaginary" relationship with others. As a ramification, the sense of face-to-face contact is now in depletion.

To take all mentioned into a nutshell I would like to once again reaffirm my position that in general, life is reasonably better than it was a century ago. Current pitfalls are imperceptible beyond tremendous scale of today's privileges.

Please, give approximate band scores for this.

VadimKlimenko 4 / 10  
Jun 27, 2016   #2
Hi Azamat,

Firstly, please note that, in my opinion, the structure of your essay may limit your writing band despite the range of vocabulary and good control of grammar, which you demonstrate. I would advise you to use both of the paragraphs to present your supporting topics without mentioning the drawbacks in this argument essay. It seems that the question does not require you to discuss disadvantages of the claim and you directly state your position in the introduction paragraph.

Secondly, in my point of view, the second paragraph lacks a major topic sentence and has a lot of different ideas, which could be converted into separate paragraphs. Despite you describe your position in this paragraph using rich lexical resources, the ideas seem to be a little bit abstract, and a reader does not find a real life example.

Generally, I think that if you read actively a dozen of band 9 essays and analyze structures of those, you could achieve very impressive writing band.

p.s.: as you are asking about band score, I imply this is ielts task 2 essay.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 27, 2016   #3
Hi Azamat, below are my suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.

- of a century, the Earth
- According toAs for my perspective,
- essay wouldwill support this.

- has asizeablesizable - privileges compared to what it
- PrevailinglyWhat prevailed ,
- Now, peoplenow communicate
- inwith a fraction of a day.
- Further and even more significantly ,
- been being eliminated.
-Looked from this perceptionHaving said that , life is far better than it was a century ago.

There you have it Azamat, the suggestions above are made to create a difference in your essay and for you to see how else you can enhance essay. The fact that you explored on using different words only shows that you are experimenting in your writing skills and this is a very good skill to develop.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 2, 2016   #4
Hi Azamat, I can see that you have posted several essays in this forum. I think that you've already known about giving at least 1 space (1 enter) for each paragraph. This would ease the reader in reading or checking your essay. However, if you want to know the approximate band score of your essay, I would be glad to help you. My assessment below is based on IELTS writing band descriptors of TASK 2, I hope my feedback would be as accurate as the real one.

Task Response
- It is quite difficult to assess this part of scoring due to unclear prompt of your essay. However, I just assume that this is an agree-disagree essay of IELTS task 2. I notice that you have addressed all parts of the task although some parts are fully covered than others. This is because you only support your ideas in your first body paragraph. In the second body paragraph you were back-clashing your own ideas. I think you need to use concession rather than elaborating the negative side of your idea in a separated paragraph. This can make your essay cannot go further than 6.5 for a task response.

Coherence and Cohesion
- You have logically organized all the information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression. You have also used cohesive devices effectively, even though cohesion within sentences were faulty or mechanical. For instance, when you write "on the other hand, however", both cohesive devices actually have the same meaning in which this make it redundant. "The abovementioned enhancement and meanwhile" also experienced the same issue.These errors cannot make your essay go further than 6.5 for coherence and cohesion part.

As you can see, I skipped the other two parts of scoring (lexical resource and grammatical range and accuracy) because 50% of the criteria has been graded in which I reckon it covers almost all necessary parts. However, I think that the whole essay is already good and well-written. 6.5 is already good enough for an IELTS writing, especially for applying postgraduate degree. Congratulations for that :)

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