overconsumption of sugar products
Even though the consumption of too many sugar-based drinks causes many problems such as obesity and diabetes, people indulge in those sweet products more and more. There are several reasons for this and some solutions.
Three main reasons entice people to consume a lot of sugary drinks. First, research studies show that most children and people over 50 years old love sweet foods and drinks. In fact, 9 out of 10 children said that they usually drink coke or sugary milk every day. Second, colorful advertising featuring celebrities drives sales of sugar products thereby playing a crucial role in luring consumers to try those drinks. On average people spend nearly 3-4 hours per day watching TV and surfing the internet which exposes them to a large number of advertisements and makes them not only desire a sweet taste but also believe it is healthy. Third, in some people that become afflicted by sugar addiction, doctors believe they can't help but consume sugary foods and drinks whenever they see them.
Clearly this is a sad state of affairs. Luckily, society has a few ways to fight back. The government definitely can raise the taxes of sugar products and companies that produce them thereby forcing those companies to increase their prices. Those increases will cause consumers to purchase less of those products. Schools should also become more involved through direct instruction in classrooms, advertising campaigns, and physical fitness programs. By raising awareness of the problems of sugar consumption at a young age, society combats the problem earlier reducing the likelihood it will grow as large later.
In conclusion, although several societal forces conspire to tempt people to consume sugar products, steps can be taken to ameliorate the problem.
when you want to change to another idea, you should use some linking words like 'therefore", "on the other hand", ......etc. it is my personal opinion, good luck!!:3
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15476 There needs to be a proper restatement of the original prompt. That means, you have to accomplish 3 things:
- Tell the reader what the original topic is about
- Answer the question: What are the reasons?
- Answer the question: What are the solutions?
In your rewriting, you changed the topic from "People are consuming more sugary based drinks" to "sugary drinks cause many health problems." That is a topic change because it is not represented in the original topic presentation. You were asked 2 direct questions that also required direct responses. Instead, you chose to simply say that there are several reasons and solutions. That sort of response does not give the examiner a clear idea of how well you understood the discussion instruction. You also did not give a specific discussion topic outline that would have been presented in the 2 reasoning paragraphs.
The essay requires you to use public knowledge or personal experience for your reasoning. So you should not be using research references in the presentation. The data you are using, such as 9 out of 10 children, is based on actual research, which you cannot perform during the actual test. Although you did present 3 reasons in that paragraph, the disconnection of the presentation from one topic to another created an under developed reasoning paragraph that offered only subjects for discussion, but no actual discussion development.
You have to same problem in your solutions presentation. There should be a connection between government taxes on sodas, school education, and raising awareness. As usual, the solutions you presented did not really have any supporting nor connected discussion points, which render the paragraph weak and under developed again.
Then, there is problem with your concluding paraphrase, you failed to present a summarized version of the discussion. You also did not write at least 40 words for that presentation. A simple 2 sentence wrap up would have sufficed. Based on these observations, the problem with your essay focuses on 2 sections:
- A lack of task accuracy
- An inability to clearly explain given reasons using proper supporting statements.
