Hello everyone, I'm a newbie here. I'm practising how to write an IELTS essay properly. Could you please help me by giving me constructive feedbacks on my works? Much appriciated for your kindness.
There has been a substantial increase in the number of carbonated beverages consumed by individuals This essay will focus on examining likely explanations of this trend and necessary measures against the soft drink addiction.
It is worth mentioning that vigorous commercial promotion has led to the large expenditure on non-alcoholic drinks. To clarify it, celebrity endorsement in advertising is regarded as an effective marketing strategy that helps skyrocket sales. For instance, Virat Kohli's followers probably spend money on energy-boosting products after watching he playing a role as a brand ambassador in videos. Additionally, another obvious reason is that customers tend to choose sodas for the sake of convenience in the prospect of the hectic schedule of modern life. It takes clients only few minutes to purchase their favorite sugary drinks from supermarkets, stores or vending machines. Moreover, children undoubtedly are loyal fans of sugar-loaded beverages due to its nice taste. With the addition of sugar or other sweeteners, liquid refreshment beverages proves irresistible, so people keep guzzling sodas continuously.
It is highly recommended that appropriate measures should be implemented to reduce the risks resulted from this burning issue. Firstly, opting for healthier alternatives surely helps lower sugar intake. Secondly, the government should impose strict restrictions on adverts about sugar-riched drinks by issuing a health warning associated with inappropriate advertising slots along with levying high tariffs on these undesirable goods, Lat but not least, conducting numerous public education campaigns not only raises citizens' awareness, but also greatly improves lives of others.
To recapitulate, the unpleasant fact of soda addicts has hightened a deep concern for the public health. It is hoped that immediate course of action will be taken to lessen the matter.
One critrion for a high score is "clear topic ideas" for each paragraph. It seams to me that you failed to fill this purpose in main body paragraph.
For first main body you could have written:
There are several reason for the sudden increase in the consumption sugar-based beverages among peaple. One reason is the influence of celebrities in advertisements....
For the second main body paragraph:
As for the solutions, there are.....
I highly recommend you change the second sentence in the introduction into something like "This issue can be attributed to a wide range of causes and unless urgent and effective measures are taken, the world will have to experience a great deal of devastating effects". I guess it will be more formal and objective.
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One of the major mistakes that students make when writing these reason and solution essays is that they tend to only present superficial reasons and solutions in their discussion. They mistake topic sentences for actual discussion. When you are asked to discuss reasons and solutions, the clarity of the presentation will come from the way that you discuss 2 connected reasons in the same paragraph, within 5 sentences and 2 connected solutions, within the next paragraph. This is done through the use of one transition sentence in the middle of the paragraph. For example:
One reason for the sweet beverage addiction of people could be that celebrity endorsers are used as sales posters on vending machines and cooling fridges in convenience stores. For example, Kendall Jenner increased public awareness for Pepsi in 2017 because she was known for her show "Keeping up with the Kardashians". As such, her image was placed next to machines selling the product. People, interested to learn more about the endorsement, buy the soda. If they like it, the continue to appreciate the product until it turns into a regular beverage for them.
As you can see, The clarity of the discussion reasons will come from the proper connection of reasons. In this case:
Kendall Jenner + celebrity + endorser+ public interest = habit forming drink
The solution should be presented in the same connected manner. That way 2 solutions can be presented in one paragraph. In this case:
Do not hire a celebrity endorser + no celebrity poster in sales area = less interest in the beverage / less sugary addiction
Your discussion was muddled by the lack of discussion development. You have to learn to build on connected ideas instead of separate ideas so that your presentation will score better in the C&C section.