Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

writing task 2: Some people think modern technology is making people more sociable while ...


hichamsamma 1 / 2 1  
Oct 19, 2018   #1
Some people think modern technology is making people more sociable while others think that real life interaction is better.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

social interaction switch from real to virtual world



Nowadays people started to switch their social interaction from real world to virtual world, which have impacted the way we socialize with each other.
First of all, technology began to create social virtual platforms for people to communicate and exchange information rapidly. By interacting with persons all around the world in one second, virtual social networks started to be more effective and easier to use. However, real-world social life is practical in the side of effectiveness and time managing, for example, if I want to ask the boss to clarify the new project for me, I will easily call him and ask him. Scientifically speaking, a research paper published in Harvard University's press shows that 90% of worker choose email to talk with their partener rather than real life communication. In conclusion, technology started to make us more close to each other, and makes the social interaction faster.

Secondly, real life social interaction is fruitful in the level of human contact, which means, when we go outside and talk to people, friends or family, we are creating a deep social link with other. Moreover, Taking in mind that a huge part of our communication in nonverbal, real human interaction is more powerful because it makes us understand and feel each other deeply. Furthermore, researchers suggest that a strong social network provide us with a healthy relationships, which strongly makes our life longer by making us more and more happier.

In my opinion, I feel that healthy life matters. Real social interaction makes us more sociable and strongly connected with each other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I would like to inform that this is my first time practicing for IELTS test. Please, it would be helpful if you can mark my essay to let me see how much work i need to get my target score, which is 6.5-7

sznnis25 2 / 1  
Oct 19, 2018   #2
Nowadays people started to ...
-You should use the present tense in your writing, except if you include an example or research finding from the past time.
... technology started to ... each other, and makes the social ...
-this sentence contains parallelism, if you use past tense for "started", you have to use past tense for "makes" = "made"
-You don't have to use a comma in parallelism
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Oct 19, 2018   #3
Hicham, I am sad to tell you this but your score for this essay cannot be more than a 2. Let us get one thing straight here, writing a lot of words, but not really discussing the prompt in the correct manner in your response essay will never result in a passing score. In order to pass, you need to accomplish two things. First, you need to respond to the given prompt properly and second, you need to write between 250-300 words in order to maximize your scoring potential. However, if you get the first part wrong, there is absolutely no way you will pass the test.

You should not have used personal pronouns for the public discussion in this essay. You could have used the term "we" as you did in some instances, but then, you also used the term "I" which would have only been appropriate when discussing your personal opinion. Using second and third person pronouns work best when discussing the public point of view.

Before that though, the biggest mistake in your presentation is the prompt paraphrase. You did not even try to paraphrase the original discussion nor offer a personal version of the instructions. Instead, you simply launched into the wrong discussion format for this essay. A proper paraphrase for this essay would have been:

We now live in a society where modern technology has become the basis of the people's social lives. There is a belief that people are more sociable because of the available technology. Yet, there are some who still believe in the old school ways of real life interaction and consider it a better form of meeting people. In order for me to assess which of these two points of view I support, I will need to first, discuss the reasons behind the two differing points of view.

Your paragraphs are full of run-on sentences. You concluded the discussion in the second paragraph when that term should only be used in the final paragraph to signify the concluding summary, which by the way, does not exist in your essay. That makes 2 reasons for your failed TA score. Your paragraphs are not really cohesive nor coherent because you are just talking about so many differing points without really making a real point nor offering proper supporting explanations for it. These essays are limited to one topic per paragraph composed of 3-5 sentences. The paragraph should have the following:

1. Topic sentence
2. Reasoning sentence
3. Supporting information
4. Example
5. Transition sentence for the next paragraph topic

As you can see, this is a very error filled first attempt at writing the Task 2 essay. I haven't even began to dig into your C&C and GRA issues, plus some LR situations in your essay. These specific problems that I have mentioned will be the major reason that your essay fails in an actual setting though so you should take note it. Read the sample Task 2 essays here in order to get a better idea as to how you can approach the Task 2 essay writing situations. Those samples have mistakes also but I have given instructions to the writers as to how to improve their writing so you should be able to improve your essay writing based on the lessons stemming from their mistakes.
Teymurov 2 / 5  
Oct 19, 2018   #4
@hichamsamma
Hello.
Actually i dont have to much experience and i am on way of preparation to ielts exams by this reason i can say only your general mistakes.

First , i think, there should be 4paragraphs but there are just 3, introduction and body/S1 together. Second is your idea, maybe you need to exact your idea and make it clearer.
ronia85516 10 / 20 3  
Oct 23, 2018   #5
Hi, I found out that your main problem is the structure of your essay. I'm now also preparing for the IELTS exam, and I want to share you some ways I use for practicing my writing skills, which I consider useful.

Do mind mapping before you start to write the essay, you can hardly write off topic after mind map. Mind mapping contains arguments, reasons, and examples. Also, I think it's better to write down your topic sentence first, it will be much easier for you to have a proper structure.


Home / Writing Feedback / writing task 2: Some people think modern technology is making people more sociable while ...