People are leaveing their home countries to seek a better life

Hello everyone, can someone please help me mastered IELTS Writing Task 2 by commenting on my essay below?
I really appreciate your help. Thank you very much! :)

The question:
More and more qualified people are moving from poor to rich countries to fill vacancies in specialist areas like engineering, computing, and medicine. Some people believe that by encouraging the movement of such people rich countries are stealing from poor countries. Others feel that this is only part of the natural movement of workers around the world.

> What is you opinion?
> Do you think rich countries should pay poorer countries for the people they encourage to come?
> What other measures could rich countries take to encourage qualified people to stay and help develop their own countries?

Big migrations to richer countries

My essay:
(1st paragraph)
It has been widely acceptable for people to leave their home countries to seek better living, especially from poor to rich countries. At first, this might be a great development as they will come back to their countries and help rebuild the establishments. But they didn't come back and prefer to stay there, and later this is becoming everybody's problems. In my opinion, to encourage people to come back and help develop their country is not only poor country's job, but also everybody's job, including rich countries.

(2nd paragraph)
Lacks of qualified people from poor countries could resulting in the shortage of establishments and later end up in economical downgrade. This might lead to the downfall of the countries and they will need support from every inch of the world. If this happens, money can only help a little because although they have all the resources, it will be nothing if the professionals are all gone. In such condition, there should be any help not only from their own qualified people, but also from the scholar's host rich countries.

(3rd paragraph)
Rich countries, on the other hand, have more power than they realize to build a country from ashes. In terms of helping poor countries, these countries could help making a policy related to the development of these regions. For example, there could be an economic treaty where several qualified people will be trained and work in one of rich countries and later come back to develop the establishment in their home countries. Gradually, there should be many more people who will contribute to their poor nation and make them rise.

(4th paragraph)
To conclude, several ways could be taken into account when we commit to help poor countries rise. Despite giving aids for them, one of the efforts is getting support from rich countries through trainings and workshops conducted in there for the scholars of the poor nations. Remember, young people is the greatest assets for the nations, therefore, we should treasure them.

(328 words)

Afifah, your paraphrasing of the opening statement is not correct. You began immediately discussing the details of the essay rather than first presenting the paraphrased statement. Remember, the first paragraph is solely used to represent your understanding of the prompt requirements. Therefore, the only information that should be contained there are the following:

1. Subject of the essay
2. Opinions stated in the original prompt
3. Discussion type
4. Personal opinion

Of the 3 expected sentences, you only got the last sentence correct. Therefore, your task accuracy will be marked down. You should have found a way to present the questions related to to the topic discussion in a manner that shows your understanding of the prompt topic and discussion requirements.

Your second and third paragraphs are not coherent enough to be understood by the reader. I believe that you are trying to translate your native tongue to English which does not really work. You have to learn to think and write in English. You cannot think in your original language and then hope to translate it properly. When you do that, the result is this confusing jumble of paragraphs trying to pass itself off as an essay. Your fourth paragraph did not help because it continued to introduce new information rather than simply finalizing the discussion via summary form in order to close the essay.

@Holt
I see, thank you very much for pointing out my mistakes. In the meantime, I tried to remake the first paragraph, I hope you can help me improve this. I'll try to make another full essay once i got the first paragraph right.

(1st Paragraph - remake)
There have been big migrations from poor to rich countries to seek better occupation. While some people believe that this is a normal phenomenon as people tries to seek experiences outside their comfort areas, others seeing this as a problem due to lack of qualified people in poorer countries. From my perspective, people should expand their wings on gaining new experiences as well as coming back to develop their home countries. To encourage these, several ways could be done and certainly not only poor countries job, but also rich countries.

Is there any improvement?