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Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students


uuu0301 2 / 1  
Jul 8, 2015   #1
This is a TOEFL writing topic:
Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students, while others do not think so. What do you think and why?

I agree that students should have right to choose the extra-curriculum school work and activities they want to take, but only partly. For one thing, this decision should within certain choices range that offered by their school. Of course, when making this course pool, schools should take both entertainment and educational functions into account. Then, school should control the time that students spend on their extra-course that preventing them from interfering the main courses.

First of all, it is not feasible to let students to decided whatever they want to learn because the teaching resources and funding that one school could provided for extra-curriculum are limited. For example, if there is only one student interested in taking photography class, in order to fulfill the demand, not only teacher's time, but also equipment have to invest to this course. Imaging hundreds of students that all have different course requirement. I doubt there is any school could afford that amount of cost.

Although labor and financial sources are limited, schools should make efforts to offer as much diversity as possible to help students discover their interested fields and relax them from daily study as well. After course pool has been settled, students may use their free right to choose what they want to take. Considering a student who barely takes exercises, like myself, which sometimes not because I don't like it, but lack the motivation and right guide to do that. If I have this chance to choose exercise courses, like tennis course, as my extra-curriculum activities, it will definitely improve my health condition, and further improve my study efficiency.

Finally, schools should control the maximum time that students spending on their extra-course. Certainly there would be many curriculums that more interesting than main courses, like math or history. But as courses during extra hours, schools should rightly guide students with their priorities by regulating times on extra courses.

In conclusion, students should have the right to choose the course they want to take during extra time. However, this choose should within certain restrains. Schools should take the responsibility of guiding them to the right track.

justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 8, 2015   #2
- I agree that students should have right the to choose..

- For one thing, this decision should be within certain choices range that is offered by their school.

- ... students spend on their extra-course that preventing...

- First of all, it is not feasible to let students to decided whatever..

- For example, if there is only one student interested in taking photography class, in order to fulfill the demand, not only teacher's time, but also the equipment havethat has to investbe invested to this course.

- ImagingImagine hundreds...

- I doubt there is any school that could ...

- ..possible to help students discover theirinterested fields that interest and relax them from daily study as well.

- .. use their free right to choose what they want to take.

- ... sometimes is not because I don't like it,

- but lack the lack of motivation and right guide to do that.

- Finally, schools should control the maximum time that students spending on their extra-course.

- Certainly there would be many curriculums that are more interesting than main courses, like math or history.

- However, this choosechoice should be within certain restrainsconditions .

There you have it, UUU0301, I made a few enhancement on your essay. I hope it helps.

Also, mind your sentence construction as going through your essay, it's missing linking verbs that will completely makes more sense to the sentence.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jul 8, 2015   #3
I see that justivy03 already did some great editing. If you take the time to type the essay again and make all the corrections, it will be good practice for perfecting your English grammar and composition.

I'll give some comments about the style and structure of the writing:

Maybe it is not best to begin with the statement 'I agree..." and instead precede that statement with a sentence to hook the reader's attention. What is the most interesting sentence you can write about this issue? For fun and practice, I challenge you to write a sentence about choice of extra-curricular work and make sure the sentence has fewer than ten words. If you add a short, meaningful attention to the beginning of the first paragraph it can make the whole essay more engaging and intriguing.

As for the structure of writing, you have done a great job starting each paragraph with a paragraph topic sentence. One way to improve it, though, is to add a better THESIS STATEMENT to the end of the first paragraph. It might be difficult to sum up your essays main idea in a single sentence, but that is the way to make a great thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. For a complex and multifaceted topic like this one, it sometimes helps to use a theme in order to express your main idea. I have a theme to suggest for you: "lifelong learners" --- If you search google for information about that concept, or if you already know what it is, you might be able to add a powerful thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph by writing something like this: When schools give students the greatest possible amount of freedom to pursue their own unique interests, it increases the likelihood that they will become lifelong learners.

***If you do that, you can also add a sentence about lifelong learning to the conclusion paragraph to make that paragraph a little longer.

: )
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 8, 2015   #4
Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students

If I am offered this question, then I'd arrange my essay into:
- Step 1 is to write Introduction consisting of background, thesis and outline.
It is believed that school is committed to supporting non-academic activities designed by students. It is agreed with the view, since this way teaches pupils to increase their ability to work together and to communicate with collaboration even though some believe that this will not meet the specific academic needs of each student.

- Step 2 shows a breakdown of the topic sentences in each paragraph.
Topic sentence for body 1: While there seems to be many advantages of this, arguably the most pertinent is that students have ability to work together towards a common vision.

Topic sentence for body 2: Furthermore, this provides students with trust and respect in communication with their peers.
Topic sentence for body 3 (a counter paragraph): It is often argued that extracurriculum activity designed by students is irrelevant because this activity is less likely to equate with the importance of academic study.

- Step 3 ends with conclusion, including a concluding signal, restated thesis and personal thought, such as recommendations, hopes or fears.
In conclusion, the idea of students should be allowed to design their own extra- curriculum is the most valued by some people. This encourages students to build successful teamwork. It also improves communication skills in school. Where possible, students should be scored for non-academic achievement scales.

Hope this helps, eddy suaib
EF_Sheri - / 27 22  
Jul 8, 2015   #5
In addition to the excellent suggestions you have received from other editors, I recommend paying close attention to fragmented and run-on sentences. For instance:

For example , if there is only one student interested in taking photography class , in order to fulfill the demand , not only teacher's time , but also equipment have to invest to this course .

This sentence has unnecessary spaces but more importantly it consists of small phrases groups together without a clear meaning. I suggest:

"For example, if only one student shows interest in taking a photography class, it would not be practical for the university to invest the time and financial resources to meet the demand of a single student. However, putting minimum interest levels on specific activities, such as implementing a policy where an activity can be added if a minimum of 10 students sign up, would be reasonable."

Another sentence that contains similar errors is:

Considering a student who barely takes exercises , like myself , which sometimes not because I don't like it , but lack the motivation and right guide to do that .

Instead, consider:

"For student, like myself, who rarely exercise, activities requiring physical activity might not be appealing. However, if presented to students effectively, the availability of physical activities could serve as a motivating factor that would not only improve overall student health but would improve mental health as physical activity is proven to boost brain performance as well."

These are only a couple of suggestions on how you can strengthen the grammar and flow of the essay while clarifying the underlying message you are trying to convey to the reader. Also, if using a sentence such as my last suggestion, you will want to cite a source that support the claim that "physical activity is proven to boost brain performance".

Good luck! :)
Junisha111p 11 / 21 4  
Jul 8, 2015   #6
I agree that students should have right to choose the extra-curriculum school work and activities, they want to take, but they should take is partially
OP uuu0301 2 / 1  
Jul 8, 2015   #7
When schools give students the greatest possible amount of freedom to pursue their own unique interests, it increases the likelihood that they will become lifelong learners.

Thanks a lot for your help. since you suggested the theme of "lifelong learners", how about bring it up in the very first sentence? like: The essential concept of education is lifelong learner?


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