People working in creative arts should be financially supported by government. What is your view?

Hi everyone, i am a new English learner preparing for ILETS tests and I hope I can make progress with you. Here is my first article for writing task 2. Would you please reviewing it for me. Thank you so much!

IELTS WRITING TASK 2, ABOUT GOVERNMENT

Topic: Some people think people working in creative arts should be financially supported by government. Others think they should find financial support from other resources. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

My article:
People working in creative arts often have a poor life because what they are doing cannot turn into money at the time. Only one thing for them to keep going for their arts is enthusiasm. Therefore, some people reckon that government should financially support these creative arts workers. The other opinion is that they should find avialable financial support from other resource by themselves. But I think there should be both kinds of financial support for them to attain.

Creative arts workers may not create values for the country most of the time or all through their life. Besides, what they do may not bring in money or privileges. However, this kind of people is making this country more diverse and creative. What they do bring up intrinsic value and aesthetic of this country. And some amazing art works will be born in these workers and let the country become famous. So, financial support by government may let all these become more possible.

On the other hand, there should not be only one kind of finance for these workers. Other resources, no matter what background or destinations these organizations or enterprises have, should be reached. Some financial supports from organizations may be donated by some people who think creative arts workers can make the world better and they should help them, whilst some enterprises believe that what they have done to the worker may turn into merchant value or they just do some Public service activities. Therefore, creative arts may also ask for help in these methods.

As far as i am concerned, there should different kinds of financial supports for creative arts workers. It is essential that government should provide some basically money to these people. And other resources from organizations or enterprise can offer ways for some talented artists to apply.

The problem with this essay presentation lies in the formatting of your response. The discussion should be completed over 5 paragraphs indicative of the following considerations:

Par. 1 - The topic summary and discussion instruction presentation
Par 2 - The first public point of view. Second person or group pronouns must be used to indicate the POV presented as public
Par. 3 - The second public point of view. Use additional second person or group pronouns to indicate the public opinion
Par. 3 - The personal opinion. Use the first person pronouns to clearly point out that this is your point of view
Par. 4 - Concluding summary. Indicate the original topic, the reasons supporting the 2 public opinions, restate your opinion, follow up with a closing sentence.

Your presentation comes across as a general discussion that does not consider a full reference to the public opinion, which is a requirement if you want a better GRA score. This essay tries to give you the opportunity to show that you know how to use the English grammar rules (GRA) in the presentation of a discussion. The better you highlight your knowledge of pronoun presentation and usage, along with punctuation marks and sentence formatting, the better your score in this area. This test, leans towards scoring heavily on the GRA standards, among the other scoring considerations.

As Holt said, you need to rephrase the topic in your own words and discuss it accordingly.
You can develop some sort of templates if you don't know how to discuss the topics which you may be less familiar with.
Topic sentences are vital in terms of short essays, IELTS writing task 2 especially, and this one is practically easy since it asks you to offer pros and cons of the topic issue.(So the paragraphs should be divided like Holt said)

@echo5016
Thank you for your advice!