Hi Miss Pramudia..
I have read your essay closely and focused on your contents, not the grammar. Please, you review my notes because it can help you to reach the high score.
Firstly, you successfully paraphrased the statement well because I can get the same meaning. However,for a thesis statement, you created it so much.
Personally, I disagree with this notion ...
I really agree if you explained your reasons why you disagree with the statement, but you can minimize your reasons and did not seem detailed. For example:I firmly disagree with that state since reading on the screen can impact health and not all people can access the Internet.
The most important in this case is healthy eyes.
Actually, you have answered the prompt given, but your flow should be improved better. You reread your sentence before you upload to check your flow so that readers do not pause when they review this.Its reason is because using the screen to read can brings negative effect for eyes.
Another reason why is not the best information source is many worse ...You should also mention this effect in the thesis statement so that you show your mind totally there. It can make readers think you include the new opinion.
All in all, reading books directly give benefit effect for readers.keep in your mind the conclusion is the paraphrase of the thesis statement.Keep Writing