IELTS 1- PIE and BAR CHARTS - proportion of male and female arrested in five years ending 1994 (%)

Hi everyone, I'm uvy and I try to upload my writing in TASK 1. I need feedback from you all . Thank you

Question: The pie chart shows the percentage of persons arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest *[/b][/b]

The pie chart compares about the proportion of persons arrested between male and female in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart gives information about the most reasons for arrest. It is noticeable that the greatest proportion of persons arrested was in males during 5 years and it can also be seen that drinking was the majority reasons of persons arrested.

As per pie chart, total males were arrested three times more than females, at 32%. Whereas, proportion of females arrested was at one first of the all total. There were seven reasons about why females and males was arrested and the reasons can be found from data on bar chart.

Public drinking was the most popular reason why people arrested, not only in males but also in females. Base on the reason, female proportion was higher (over 35%) than male proportion (over 32%). Drink driving was the second most popular reason of arrest for males, it was a quarter. While, Assault was the second most popular reason of females arrested it was around 18%.The arrest proportion for another reasons like Breach of order, Assault, theft was below 20% for all gender.

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Aulia, I would like to give a warm welcome to EssayForum :) This is a remarkable place to improve your writing skill, particularly in IELTS. However, I have reminded some of the new members who have registered in the same day as you that you need to be careful in giving comments or feedback towards other members' essays. Only 1 or 2 sentences comment will be considered as meaningless, and therefore you will be suspended. So, to avoid this issue, you need to make at least 3 sentences feedback or even a paragraph as long as you can show the weakness and strength of someone's essay.

With regards to your essay, I reckon that you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The pie chart compares... (1st sentence)
It is noticeable that ... (2nd sentence)
Meanwhile... (3rd sentence)

There you are Aulia, I hope you can follow through my feedback in order to enhance your writing skill. I will be glad to see your upcoming essay practice after this one. Keep writing and Good Luck :)

Hi Aulia, glad to have a partner for strengthen the IELTS skills together. Lets bolster each other! :)

Hereby a few correction in the body.

As per pie chart (As described in the pie chart ), You need to clearly state what you want to tell. This one might be better.

total males were (the amount of males ) arrested (was ) three times more than females, at 32%.
Instead of using total males, the amount of males might be suitable for this sentence.

Whereas, (However, the ) proportion of females arrested was at one first of the all total.
As far as I'm concerned, whereas cannot be used as an opening words. It refers to comparison and is placed in the middle of sentence. You might use However, or any related conjuction, which is suitable to be used as the opening sentence.

(Furthermore )There were seven reasons, why females and males was (were ) arrested and the reasons can be found from data on bar chart.
If you want to describe the next paragraph or another subject, it would be better if you use conjunction like Moreover, Furthermore, etc.

That is all Aulia. Cheers!

Check my page ⇒ IELTS TASK 1 - MIX CHART- Persons Arrested in The Five Years Ending 1994