In some places in the world, young people are not only richer but also safer... Ielts

Hi, guys, I am here again, please give me a score and all your suggestions after you read my essay! My target is band 7 and i'm working on it!

ESSAY: In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before.However, they are less happy. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest??

Nowadays, young generation are less happier than before, which has sparked off an intense concern among the public. In this essay, I aim at finding out the causes of this disturbing phenomenon and providing an array of reasonable and feasible solutions.

To begin with, the fierce competition in modern society is accountable for this situation. It is undeniable that a vast amount of leisure time of children is deprived by a variety of professional curriculum which impart children a host of practical knowledge and skills, with a view to improving the academic performances of children and enabling them to become more competitive than other candidates in their futures. Unquestionably, imposing such enormous burden on students would cause a series of chronically psychological disturbances such as anxiety, apprehension and insomnia.Therefore, it is no wonder that children are not happier than before. In addition, numerous parents cannot strike the balance between family and work. There is, more often than not, only a minimal amount of time is allocated to accompany with their children. Under such circumstance, children would feel alone and being isolated from their parents. As a result, without frequent face-to face conversations and emotional communication, children will become less happy than before.

Being confronted with these problems, some measures and actions should be taken into consideration.First and foremost, recreational activities like music and sports should be encouraged by both schools and parents. It is simply these kinds of activities are acknowledged as an effective way of releasing stresses of children. Besides, participating in such activities can efficiently develop the cooperation and communication skills of children which is beneficial to elevate the emotion quotient of children and making children to get accustomed to the society quickly when they grow up. Additionally, parents should spend more time in staying with their children, which not only can efficiently strengthen the bond of family but can develop the harmony of the entire family as well.

Therefore, it is reasonable to conclude that as long as those measures that I mentioned above can be sufficiently implemented, this disconcerting situation will be ameliorated and eventually tackled.

hi suxiaojing...

the task has 2 statements, one of which is "young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before". you need to put this idea into your first paragraph. you only put the second statement, "they are less happy".

you can use although, even though, or while to express a contrast between those two ideas.

with a view to of improving the academic performances of children and enabling them to become more competitive than other candidates in their futures
common preposition of VIEW is "of" or "from"

Under such circumstance, children would feel alone and being isolated from their parents
after linking verb feel, you need to put adjective, so it is better to eliminate being.

for lexical resource : it is great. you use wide range of vocabularies. you have no problem with this.
grammar and accuracy : very good, only few mistakes i found.
the idea takes 25% of the score, so you need to put relevant idea with the task. more specific data based on research or your self experience are recommended.

the only problem i see is task response. if you want to get band 7, you need to follow the requirements below :
1. address all parts of the task. all issues in the question are answered.
2. present a clear position throughout the essay. any opinion given is supported in all paragraph in the essay.
3. main ideas are relevant.
4. ideas are developed but there are may be lack of focus with supporting ideas or over generalization.

i think it is getting closer to get 7. good luck. -)

Thank you, that really helps me a lot, now i know how to practice to make my sentences flow smoothly!