IELTS writing practice task 2 academic - Modern technology

Question: Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to and exchange of information.
Far from being beneficial, this is a danger to our society.
What are your views?
Task: Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

Modern technology and information exchange

In this technological era, rapid development of new technology has made our personal information being revealed easily. News headlines such as " A 25-year-olds lady lost $2000000 through her bank account, which is believed to be due to personal information disclosure." can often be seen. It is therefore my strong conviction that the advanced technology would bring more harm than good to our society.

My stance could be attributed to two main reasons. The first point to be noted is that the users of the devices are anonymous. They could simply get access to our personal accounts and plagiarize our information by their sophisticated computing skills. In fact, we, however, know nothing about who are "reading our minds", let alone finding out that there is even a guy screening our information. For instance, the Americans were shocked that all of their messages sent and received and calls they made have constantly been recorded. Despite not committing any crime, we would still find this offensive. Our "data" should be respected and privately protected, but not stolen and supervised.

Apart from the unknown stealers, the enhanced technology may also give rise to fights and wars.Undeniably, food, oil, land, fame, and fortune are all we would compete for, competitions therefore arise within individuals and groups. We would figure out the weaknesses of our opponents through accessing to their Intranet in a bid to triumph in the battles. Take China as an example. Countries begin to be aware of her as Chinese may have been behind the WannaCry ransomware, which may attack them soon. Thus, I am still in favor of the view that the fast-developing technology would adversely affect social harmony.

Judging from the above, it is obvious that permitting our information to be exchanged uncontrollably is not a good thing to our society.

Hazy, when you create your opening statement, you need to align your presentation with the original prompt. That means, you only relate, in your own words, the meaning of the original prompt and the discussion instructions. You do not create your own sensationalist statement that deviates from the original presentation. Since this is your first post here, I can understand why you would make such a mistake. Let me show you how this opening statement should have been properly represented:

These days, people have been given unprecedented access to an open exchange and access to information. People believe that this is the result of the benefits stemming from modern technology. There are some people though who believe that this sort of uncontrolled access to information could result in a danger to our society. I share the same point of view and in this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion.

You have to remember that the Task Accuracy score will be based upon your accurate representation of the original prompt. When you do not present a clear paraphrasing of that section, you could score a 1 in this section, which will result in a failed overall score. Make sure that you stick to the formula for the presentation in order to get an appropriate score. I am sure your tutor will teach you how to do this in the classes that you attend in preparation for the test. My sample applies only to this particular essay.

Now, when you mention your reasons by using numerical references, make sure to continue that throughout the essay. You said "The first point..." in the second paragraph. So the third paragraph should have started with "The second point..." or "The last point..." since you only presented 2 reasons in the essay. Be consistent in your presentation because that will be part of the GRA scoring considerations.

You need to learn to develop appropriate concluding paragraphs. That paragraph cannot be presented in only a single line or sentence. It is important that you use the last paragraph to present your ability to further paraphrase and summarize the essay information that you provided. The concluding paragraph should contain a restatement of the prompt, the discussion instructions, your reasons, and finally, a closing sentence reiterating your personal opinion on the matter.

Just some grammatical mistakes I noticed:
... personal information being revealed easily => be or to be
by their sophisticated computing skills => with
And some minor mistakes that I believe to be just typos :)))

@Holt
Thanks for reviewing! Your advice are really useful. I was trying to rephrase the keywords in the question, hoping not to repeat the words used. But I find it hard as the keyword would be used in every paragraph in order to remind marker I was sticking to the topic! How can I improve my writing skills?