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[Writing Task 2] At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively...

TeddyDua123 1 / -  
Jun 1, 2024   #1
[Writing Task 2] At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Hello everyone, I've just finished my writing task 2 and I would really appreciate your opinions on my essay. Thank you


An emerging demographic trend of this day and age observed by some countries involves a considerably large segment of young people in comparison to the aging population. Despite the evident disadvantages, I'm of the opinion that these are outmatched by the advantages.

On the one side, the increasing percentage of younger individuals augments the pressure on various aspects of society such as healthcare, education, housing etc., thus accelerates the exhaustion of resources. With a high percentage of young population, some nations are currently struggling with a low employment rate due to the incompetence of providing sufficient jobs.

On the other side, I'm completely convinced that such drawbacks can be compensated by the significant benefits that could be extracted from a population dominated by young adults. One reason for this affirmation is that younger generation represents a youthful and abundant labor force capable of undertaking a wide range of occupations that require both intellectual and physical strengths. Another reason is that a growing number of young people can be attributed to a booming consumer market, thereby contributes to boosting the expansion of production and the overall socio-economic development. In addition, workforce predominantly made up by young population is usually considered a magnet attracting large volume of foreign direct investment. A shining example of this is Vietnam, a South East Asian country which has consistently been a major labor export market thanks to a high proportion of young population registered over the years.

To summarize, it appears to me that in some countries, the prevalence of the younger generation in relation to older adults is more beneficial than harmful.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,974 4811  
Jun 6, 2024   #2
Your first reasoning paragraph is not thoroughly developed. It is not as well explained as your second reasoning paragraph. So you will receive low marks for the first reasoning paragraphs. Always make sure to explain your ideas as clearly as possible since you have a 300 word allowance anyway. When you do not fully explain your ideas, you run the risk of not passing the essay test based upon an under developed essay presentation. Based upon what I read in the first reasoning paragraph, you could have expanded on your explanation a bit more to achieve a clearer explanation and higher score. It should look similar to the 2nd reasoning paragraph.

As for the conclusion, it is another reason that the essay will receive a failing score. For that section, you should always present 2 sentences composed of 20 words each, a total of 40 words for that presentation section. Otherwise, it gets an auto failing score.
nhim3607 1 / 3 1  
Jun 7, 2024   #3
I think you should have a topic sentence in your paragraph 1 in clear, and then based on this to develop your ideas. I'd like to recommend you to follow this: topic sentence - explanation - example - discuss - link (paraphrase topic sentence)

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