IELTS Task II; The problems of people living in urban areas - government should take some actions

People living in large cities today face many problems in their everyday life.

What are these problems? Should governments encourage people to move to smaller regional towns?

In recent years, several difficulties have been witnessed in the everyday life of large city dwellers. In this essay, I will analyze some issues and the reasons why the government should take their actions to encourage immigration to smaller locations.

The first obvious problem can be seen is environmental problems in large cities. As urbanization has become popular these days, more people want to live in big cities to seek career opportunities, the management of environmental problems is harder than ever. The degradation of air and water resources decreases the quality of living as it is the main factor contributing to a number of health problems. Another issue can be taken into account is the complication in people's lives security and safety. Since many types of people are attracted by big cities including unkind ones, crimes are more likely to happen. When life is more practical and the benefits become the most priority, people can do anything to get what they want. For instance, many freshmen first moving to Ho Chi Minh cities may get some problems of cheating in multi-level sales, which can cause the loss of a large amount of money.

One solution can be taken is that the government should encourage the residents to move to smaller areas. Once fewer people living in the same place, less stress is put to the city. As a result, it is easier for the government to manage and adjust some problems. Furthermore, population decline also help the effectiveness of urban planning since there is less spontaneous residential areas, thus more city space available. As regard to other smaller areas, higher worker resources in terms of quantity and quality may help other regions develop and maintain the balance between different regions in a country.

In conclusion, as many city dwellers today has to deal with several problems such as environmental and social issues, government should take some action to encourage them to other smaller region to reduce city stress and maintain region balance.

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My target band score is 7. I really need your helps to improve. Thank you.

@Jealynn
Welcome! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.

Be more specific. In your first paragraph, what are the difficulties? While you are going to expound on these details on the body paragraphs themselves, a briefing of what these are would create more structure and dimension to the writing.

The construction of your sentences can be a bit baffling at times too. If we take a look at the second sentence of the second paragraph, the phrase midway is out-of-place. Try to stick with less complex sentences when they're not necessary, especially since accuracy plays a heavier role in your composition than how "complex" it all seems.

Avoid giving examples in the last sentence of a paragraph, especially since this part should be dedicated to concluding the information.

you shouldn't give example in the last sentence.

Organize sentences structure with appropriate verb in use more carefully. Like the phrase 'have been witnessed' should be 'have witnessed' just like verb 'happen' should not be passive since what you are going to say is 'several difficulties have happened or happen / have witnessed or witness. Verb 'analyze' is also uncommon in describing your ideas in writing task 2. Stance or position is inexplicit with poor thesis statement. Even you have used some bridging phrases, relating to the coherence and cohesive some ideas have not been presented well. It is better to focus on one idea and support with proper definition as well as related example that can visualized your topic sentence. In what way government could encourage immigration activity should be stated clearly. Narrowing your idea would be much better rather than adding new one.

I hope this could help your writing