IELTS Task 2 - problems and solutions of getting enough exercise in cities.

I'm getting an IELTS examination in the next month. Please evaluate my essay and point out my mistakes. Thanks a lot!

sedentary lifestyle in urban areas

Topic: It is difficult for people in the cities to get enough exercise. What are the causes and solutions?

There has been an ever-increasing trend that citizens from urban areas are less likely to take up enough exercise. This issue can be ascribed to a wide range of reasons and it must be addressed with feasible actions.

There are two main explanations why people are leading a sedentary lifestyle in metropolitan cities. One of the main reasons why people do not spend sufficient time on exercising is due to the typical hustle and bustle of living in cities. Commonly, young adults are snowed under exhausting computer work and deadlines in hot pursuit, which prevent them from making a thorough plan for doing exercises. As a result, they feel obligated to sacrifice their time working out at the gym in order to gain better job prospects. Another reason paving the way to reduced exercising hours is the rapid advances in technology and the tremendous growth in amusing TV programs. Particularly, a technology-orientated lifestyle has become increasingly popular among adolescents, which acts as a deterrent from enjoying outdoor recreational pursuits.

A wide range of definite actions must be implemented to combat an idle lifestyle stemming from insufficient exercising hours. One effective solution is to enhance public awareness of the benefits of taking up exercise. For example, citizens will be more mindful of doing exercise daily if they are encouraged through the mass media. Furthermore, the government should consider healthcare as the top priority and provide public subsidies on the construction of sports facilities. Newly-equipped essential sports gear will therefore increase the chance of people getting involved in physical activities by making it more accessible and affordable.

In conclusion, fast pace and technological innovations mainly contribute to lack of exercising in cities, and thorough preparation is key to avoid this negative trend by a number of remedies such as heightened awareness and government sponsorship.

@lorimyl
Hi there. I would like to give you some feedback about your introduction. 😁

About your introduction structure, you should include general statement and rephrase viewpoint or problem which explain the topic by using synonyms.For the last sentence, you should write like this : this essay will discuss some possible causes of getting enough exercise today and the solutions to this problem.

I hope my suggestion will help your introduction become well-structured in your future writing.

@lorimyl
Hi there. Good luck on your upcoming IELTS examination! Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing.

First and foremost, the first part of your writing has to be extended. I find that it is insufficient to have such a brief introduction towards what the main points of your essay. You have to clearly state what the purpose of the writing is. This, hereafter, should be intertwined with other smaller details that will be found throughout your writing.

Furthermore, the latter parts of the essay also have to be treated with this regard. On top of that, it is essential that you are able to integrate more concrete examples throughout your writing. After you write out a particular statement, it will be truly helpful if you can supplement information on clarifying the intent of your essay.

Lastly, the conclusive remarks have to be improved as well. You need to be able to expound more on what the analysis of your writing will be.