Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

IELTS task 2 - The pros and cons of being watched

chopresident981 1 / -  
Aug 16, 2017   #1
Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.

our Electronics is Spying on us

In this highly technical era, with the continuously developing of technology, it has given people such a perfect tool to monitor others no matter what they do and where they are. Although equipment gives us undeniable benefits, it also causes many problems by making all of us visible to everyone. I will present both pros and cons and evaluate if this progress is a good thing.

First of all, it is obvious that being watched makes people feel safer as there will always have someone watching on you. If there is anything bad happens, people can call the police and give you valuable evidences if they are needed. Besides, security cameras make it easier to catch criminals because CCTVs are everywhere nowadays. As it is harder to hide than before, it will also be a good way to deterrent to criminals.

However, some antisocial people seem to take advantage of these conveniences to conduct serious crimes like kidnappings or murder since they will be able to know mostly everything related to their victims such as their personal information and habits. Therefore, they can prepare and perpetrate right away when it is at the right time. Furthermore, some people do not even realize that they are being followed and totally lack their vigilance. Because of that, it will also lead to a growing number of cases of information theft such as stealing your social security, driver's license numbers or bank accounts to impersonate you to steal money and gain other benefits.

To sum up, with those modern technologies, it gives us advantages in some exact situations. However, our freedom is high on the list of priorities. Although being watched is inevitable, I personally think that we need to be more alert and balance between its advantages and disadvantages.

This is my essay on pros and cons of being monitored. I'd be very appreciate it if you guys can correct my essay and maybe score it ;)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,956 4807  
Aug 16, 2017   #2
Jennie, you used the wrong representation in the final sentence of you opening paraphrase. It is important that you accurately depict the discussion instruction of the essay in this instance. Therefore, your final line should have read as follows:

While there are some disadvantages to the the fact that people are easily watched these days, the advantages of constant surveillance cannot be ignored. This essay will discuss the reasons why the advantages of being watched outweigh its disadvantages.

While I will grant that your succeeding paragraphs are well within the parameters of the required discussion, the final paragraph, the closing summary statement, should not have continued the discussion. Since that is what you did in this instance, then the essay will lose points for not properly representing a closing statement in terms of GRA considerations. Your closing statement should have indicated:

In conclusion, the above information proves that although there are some negatives for consideration when it comes to the constant surveillance of the public, there are still more advantages to the watchful eye of the cameras. While privacy may be lost in the process of protecting people, a clear sense of security is gained from the existence of the CCTV cameras. Therefore, the advantages of constantly being watched far outweigh its disadvantages.

Taking these errors into consideration when assessing your work, I believe that you could probably score up to a 5 with this essay. It carries valid discussion points, may have some grammar problems that do not impede the understanding of your message, and requires a bit of proofreading, the thought process that was involved in its development is clearly seen and therefore, allowed you to be considered for a better score.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - The pros and cons of being watched
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳