Rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete

TOPIC: Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Threat toward local business

Nowadays evolution of supermarkets and globalization has caused a threat to the domestic business and thus the local society. In my opinion, rapid expansion of supermarkets deter the local business. Alongside that local communities losing their livelihood and occupation due to the increased competition.

It is undoubtedly noticed that, many of them are attracted to the multinational supermarkets due to their exquisite offers, customer service and the quality of products. At the same time customers are benefited to get all the necessary groceries at one location. Especially in a cosmopolitan city like Bangalore, it is difficult to get each and every item from local shops. Hence, most of them depend on supermarkets to save their time. Consequently, communities adopted to purchase from the supermarkets. On the other hand, it has become difficult for the domestic business to compete with the recent developments

Although Globalization has brought a few job opportunities to the society, but it has deprived impact on the existing businesses which are running since ancient periods. For instance, In india weaving profession severely affected and often died in many instances. It is the responsibility of Country and its government to make amendments to their legislation to support the their communities and also expansion of supermarkets have to be restrained to some extent. In addition, merchants have to use the latest technologies and social media to campaign the products and commence selling them through Facebook, watsapp and so forth.

In conclusion, rapid expansion of supermarkets always have a threat to the local business and it has to be restrained from domestic business in order to avoid the future deaths.

You have good skill of paraphrasing. Your position in introduction is clear enough. However, you need to improve the use of punctuation as it would be a little confusing to read sentences without proper use of comma, e.g.: 1. Alongside that, local communities (no comma); 2. It is undoubtedly noticed that, many of them are attracted; 3. For instance, in India, weaving profession (with comma)

Body 1:
-You use excessive cohesive devices here
-It is undoubtedly noticed that, many of themare attracted ....
It is not clear what "them" refers to. I suggest you to make sure that you have written the main subjects clearly before you use subject pronouns.

Body2:
-AlthoughGlobalization has broughta few job opportunities tothe society, but it has deprived impact ...
1. Grammar: Although ........, ...... (direct clause without "but"); 2. collocation: brought + for
-....weaving profession isseverely affected...
You need passive voice here.

Conclusion:
-rapid expansion of supermarkets always have a threat
My advice is: avoid over-generalization (always, none, every etc.)

Keep writing pal :)