TOPIC: People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes?
a fear among people nowadays
There are some reasons why people currently have to face seriously risks no matter where they are. Firstly, high essential demands for foods that is needing to produce in a mass way to respond timely, people might face the danger of poisoning even they are at home. For example, food poisoning by chemical stimulants for fast developing plants, many people have been admitted to hospital to treat. Secondly, when being out on the street, individual is difficult to avoid traffic accidents when vehicles are more and more increased and complex, such as striking car or motorbike, breaking down of aircraft engine system,.. This might negatively affect people's health and even life-threatening.I just start to write ielts task 2 for several days, so i can only write a part of essay.Please correct for my passage. Thank you so much.
face ... => serious risks For example, food ... => For example, as a result of food poisoning by chemical stimulants, many people have to be transferred to a hospital for treatment. when being out on ... => when being outside, every person can find it difficult to avoid traffic accidents as the number of vehicles on the street are increasing
Hi Phuong, I think you need to reconsider about your flow.
You write about how worried people are on food (which may be faced in home and street) and traffic (which only be faced in street). It makes your ideas seem unbalanced.
I think you need to control your grammar.
to face seriously [VERIFY THE WORD CLASS: SERIOUS] risks no matter
high essential demands for foods that is [SUBJECT-VERB AGREEMENT: ARE] needing [PASSIVE PATTERN: NEEDED] to produce
admitted to [ARTICLE: A] hospital to treat.
Secondly, when being out on the street, [ARTICLE: A] individual
Moreover, look at the sentence below
Firstly, high essential ..., ...people might face ....
Both the red-colored and blue-colored clauses are complete sentences so what is called as a run-on sentence. Instead of using a comma, you may separate them into two sentences, combine them by a conjunction, or replace the comma with a semi-colon.
[Contributor] - / 7,181 1785
Phuong, since you only wrote the opening paraphrase, I cannot say that you did a good job at it. Why is that? Well, you started the essay in the middle with a reasoning paragraph rather than showing the reader how well you understood the question by properly paraphrasing it. The correct paraphrase for this essay would have been:
These days, it appears that people have some apprehensions about their personal safety at home. This is a fear that they carry with them even after they leave the home and spend time outside. There are several reasons that people have a continuing fear for their safety such as...
As for this current paragraph, your first sentence is too long and lacks clarity. Don't use too many words when a single word such as "must" rather than "have to" would come across more clearly to the reader. Watch out for your punctuation marks as well. You have redundant punctuation marks in the third sentence. You cannot use a comma followed by an ellipses in a single sentence. Either use the comma and connect it to the next sentence or use the ellipses to indicating a continuing though process. Personally, I believe you wanted to use a period at the end of that sentence.