IELTS 2: In some regions, a great number of young adults are elected for key roles in the government

young in power

Topic: Nowadays more and more young people hold the important positions in the government.
Some people think that is a good thing while others argue that it is not suitable. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In some regions, a great number of youngers are elected for key roles in the government. While some people claim that is unfair compared to the olders; many others, myself included, believe it is beneficial for our society. However, I will take these two viewpoint into consideration when discussing them in this essay.

To begin with, the fact of the matter is that youngsters are mostly lack of real experience as they have never challenged or dealt with a great many difficult situations. Moreover, a tiny part of young people are irresponsible, pass the buck when making mistakes and have a signal for capitalizing their roles. Based on those viewpoints, a host of people criticize many young leaders and are not in favour of their current positions. In addition, with the shortage of social skills, these young authorities can have difficulty in solving international problems or establishing the legislation. Gradually, their decisions can stagnate the economic recession and pose a threat to everyone's income as a result.

On the other hand, the youngsters also have some advantages with regard to their age and high passion. Unlike the olders, they have a very long period to develop and complete themselves step by step. They have their youth hence they may be not hesitate to take risk in making decisions and choosing the most ultimate path. By virtue of being born in the industry 4.0 coupled with many significant breakthroughs in technology, the young people can have more chance to learn, become modern, creative and sophisticated. Additionally, one of the key factors contributing to the success in any occupations is the passion. Therefore, the working productivity of many young leaders are always high and effective.

In conclusion, the question whether or not young people should hold many inevitable roles in the government creates a lot of attraction from people but I want to reaffirm that having many young leaders can be beneficial for us due to some aforementioned reasons.

(328 words)
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:(( Here is my essay. Would you like to spend your time (just a little) to read it and give me feedback, plss ? :((. I really want to know my level and always appreciate your feedback. Thank you in advance !!!!

I would opt that you shorten your sentence structure, making your content easier to grasp by the readers. While your first paragraph had a decent structure, there were writing techniques that you could have used to make your flow more concise.

For instance, I could rephrase your first sentence as:
Young people in some regions are now elected for key government roles.
What I had done was to omit unnecessary words (preposition, modifiers, etc.) to be able to shorten the structure. This is an effective method if you seek to maximize your word count. Try to omit what you can omit while still maintaining the fundamental grammar rules. It goes a long way. Apply this recommendation to your entire essay.

For your second paragraph, I would suggest that you may remove the to begin with and instead proceed to directly beginning your paragraph. These words do not contribute to the content - therefore are not necessary in the essay itself. When working with limited space, you should take this into account.

Furthermore, I would recommend that you use an oxford comma as it can help your essay appear more academic.

can consider to adopt different words, for an example;

1. youngers = youngsters
2. key role = pivotal role

Also, you may provide more supporting statement in your position, it seems the argument is not strong. Example is important, please make sure you could provide sufficient example in your article.

@andrewfoy273
Hi there. I have a few words to say on this
Paragraph 1
these two viewpoin this two viewpoints
Paragraph 3
may be not hesitate hesitate is verb -> may not hesitate
he working productivity of many young leaders are always high and effective. -> is