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The replacement of traditional foods with junk eating from other countries brings a negative impact


lethaophuong287 1 / 1  
Jan 22, 2016   #1
ielts task 2. Really looking for some one can correct essay for me. let's improve English together

Topic: In many countries traditional foods are being replaced by international fast foods.This is a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do youagree or disagree?

It is argued that fast foods from other countries replaced traditional foods may bring a negative impact on not only families but also the community as a whole. In my opinion, I completely agree with this idea.

There are a variety reasons why international fast foods has bad effects on families. The main shortcoming is that some kind of fast foods are not good for people's health, especially for children. If an excess of junk foods which contain excessive amounts of fats and sugar are consumed, there will be a rise in the number of obese young people. In addition, having junk foods instead of traditional foods for meals frequently, people will not spend time to cook at home together. As a consequence, family members do not have much time for sharing and communicating with each other, gradually the generation gap is more likely to extend.

Apart from the practical drawbacks expressed above, I believe that the society will be influenced when people choose to consume junk foods rather than common foods. Firstly, traditional foods reflect traditional culture of each nation, hence it will be forgotten when people would like to eat fast foods instead of cooking at home. From time to time, the young generation will be unfamiliar with the traditional food recipes and the cuisine of the country will not be treasured anymore. Secondly, this may also effect to the country's economic development. The increasing number of international fast food chains in a country could lead to the deterioration of local business, which causes some inhabitants face to unemployed problems.

In conclusion, it seems to me that eating junk foods supplanting traditional foods for a long time may be harmful for both families and the society at large.
minty0801 1 / 3  
Jan 22, 2016   #2
It is argued that fast foods from other countries replaced traditional foods may bring a negative impact ...

There are a variety of reasons why international fast foods has bad effects on families. The main shortcoming is that some kinds of fast foods are not good for ...

If an excess of junk foods which contain excessive amounts ...
In addition, having junk foods instead of traditional foods for meals frequently, people will not spend time to cookon cooking at home together.

... when people choose to consume junk foods rather than common foods . Firstly, traditional foods reflects traditional culture of each nation, hence itthe traditional culture will be forgotten when ...
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 22, 2016   #3
Le, there is a particular format that you have to follow when discussing an IELTS essay of this type. The basic format for the essay is an introduction, at least 2 bodies of paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each part should be composed of no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences maximum. The content of the parts are as follows:

Introduction - Restate the prompt, offer the points of view to be discussed, then in the last sentence, indicate your point of view. In this case of this essay, you should indicate your point of view in the following manner "I tend to agree/disagree (pick one) to a certain extent with this statement for reasons I will be discussing below."

1st body-The side that you do not support .
2nd body - The side that you support.
3rd body - Additional discussion
Conclusion - Summary of the previous discussion.

Now, in this particular essay, the correct line of response is the part where you state:

... traditional foods reflect traditional culture of each nation, ... ... the young generation will be unfamiliar ...

That line should be the whole basis of your essay, from the restated prompt to your personal opinion. I suggest that you revise the essay to reflect the proper discussion format as indicated above.
OP lethaophuong287 1 / 1  
Jan 23, 2016   #4
Thank you guys for your comments. I think my writing need improving a lots.:)
However Vangiespen in my introduction after I paraphrased the topic I emphasized that I completely agree with that so personally I think in my body paragraphs I just need to support this idea. what's wrong with it? why should I discuss about the side I do not support? Can you explain more,please:)

Minty I don't really understand your sentence. Is that a full sentence or just a part of it?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 23, 2016   #5
Le, your introduction needs to deliver the 3 sentence minimum requirement in order to be considered a complete and informative opening paragraph. the proper introduction contains the following information:

1. The restated prompt.
2. The instruction for discussing the essay. In this case, you should indicate that there are 2 points of view being provided by the public. Then indicate the agreement and disagreement implications of the prompt.

3. Your opinion.

The reason you need to present these 3 pieces of information is because the opening paragraph highlights your English comprehension skills, which is a large part of the final score. So you have to prove your ability to understand the discussion at the very beginning of the essay because your passing score depends on it. Since the one that you wrote is incomplete and very short, points will be taken away instead of being increased.

Now, the essay indicates: To what extent do youagree or disagree?. I am asking you discuss the side that you do not support also because by presenting the disagreeing side, you can explain why their reasoning is wrong and in the process, make your supported side develop more sense and logic, thus making it sound more correct and proper than the opposing side.

However, you are right that you do not always had to discuss the opposing side. but if your essay will be less than 3 paragraphs long, you need to be creative and still discuss something related to the prompt which will lengthen the essay. Sometimes, the best way to do that is by discussing the opposing side as well.


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