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[IELTS Task 2] ...reward members of staff...by giving them extra money...

I'm new in IELTS writing so my essay may be not good. Therefore, I really need your bits of help or advance.
Topic: Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contributions to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others.

To what extent is this style of management is effective?
Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard?

rewarding policy for workers

I am in agreement with this statement that it is a good idea for employers to give rewards to their employees as theirs exceptional contributions. Nevertheless, this style of management may have a negative impact on workers. And there are still other ways to motivate employees to work productively and efficiently.

First of all, this rewarding policy is effective. I totally approve of that the employees devoting their health and enthusiasm to the firms deserve an extra money. On account of the bonus money able to make great differences in their life, they will feel so grateful to the bosses and that their contributions they have made are meaningful. Hence, they will try their best in working responsibly and effectively. In other words, just a small amount of money given is a great motivation for the employees. And because the workers received bonus money will make greater efforts, the bosses taking advantage of this style of management is understandable.

Secondly, in spite the fact that the rewarding policy motivating the employees is effective, this practice is sometimes counter-effective. On the one hand, some staffs who are just interested in bonus money more than having a connection with work are willing to leave the company when it gets financial problems. On the other, some workers not given extra money because of failing to finish their work as scheduled as a result of illness or not sufficient for attempt may feel discouraged from work. Besides, giving bonus money to only several employees can lead to the jealousy among colleagues.

Instead of, there are other ways to make employees feel motivated in work. In addition to the rewarding policy, I recommend that the employers should give public recognition to their employees by means of having a party with the view to praising them for their contributions or giving them some awards such as "The best employee", etc...Because of their contributions winning the bosses' recognition, they feel respected and make greater efforts.

In conclusion, the rewarding policy has many pros and cons. However, if the bosses take advantage of this policy properly, it will stimulate the workers to work more successfully.

That's all, I really your feedbacks. Thanks a lot in advance.

Aug 13, 2017   #2
Anh, are you reviewing for the IELTS by yourself? If you are, you will do well to read the other completed essays at this forum and learn from the advice given to them. It should help you to improve your writing skills and also, help you avoid the common problem areas that most IELTS test takers have in common. From reading your current work, I can tell that you have the potential to be prepared for this test on time. You just need to practice more. Here is my review for your essay.

The format of the opening paragraph was not followed in your essay. There is a specific set of sentences that need to be set up in a particular order in order to better impress the examiner with your English comprehension skills. That format of presentation would be:

1. The topic for discussion;
2. The points of view regarding the discussion;
3. The discussion type (compare and contrast, personal opinion, agreement, etc.)
4. Presentation of your thesis statement.

So, a more appropriate representation of your essay opening salvo would have been:

Employers show a tendency towards giving financial rewards to exceptional employees of the firm. While this is seen as an incentive by some workers, others believe that financial rewards have a negative impact on the work force in some instances. While I do agree that this management style is effective to a certain extent, there are still other, better ways of encouraging employees to become exceptional members of the company. In this essay, I will discuss the extent of the effectiveness of the financial reward management style along with other possible methods of encouraging employee's to work hard.

The opening paragraph needs to accurately represent the original prompt requirements from a fresh perspective. In fact, the that paraphrased statement is the most important part of the essay that you can write because it shows off your English comprehension and writing levels in a method that will impress the reviewer. If you cannot write well in the other sections of the essay, then do well in the first paragraph. A high rating in that section can almost always, help to boost the low scores you might get in the other sections for scoring.

Practice developing only one line of discussion per paragraph. Right now, you are telling the examiner that you have a lot of ideas regarding the topic given, but you are not capable of fully explaining your reasons. Explaining one reason clearly to the reviewer is more effective than making him guess as to why you are presenting reasons without ample explanations.

You must also avoid single sentence conclusions that only add more information to the discussion instead of closing the discussion. Remember, the C&C portion grades you more on the number of interconnected and clearly explained sentences in a paragraph rather than a one summation sentence to close an essay. In this instance, your essay is not closed because your single line at the end does not represent a complete paragraph and it also presents 3 more topics for additional discussion.

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