Rising of fuel costs to reduce the number of transportation and environmental pollution

Hello everyone, here is my writing essay task 2 from Cambridge 8, would you mind reviewing it for me to improve my skill. Thank you so much!

WRITING TASK 2 on growing traffic and pollution problems

Topic: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective?

Essay:
A rising of fuel costs to reduce the number of transportations and environmental pollution has been subjected to lots of debate over the years. Personally, I disagree with this solution and to a certain extent, I believe that there are some other effective remedies to deal with this issues.

It has no doubt that petrol plays a vital role in the international industry since it is the most widely used of energy in the world. This energy has been applied to all essential fields in our life such as powering for transportations or electricity for homes and buildings as well. For example, due to Covid 19 pandemic, fuel price reveals some adjustments to control the global economy. For this reason, if lifting the fuel costs over the standard in comparison with that of the world, negative impacts will drastically occur.

However, there are not without acceptable solutions to tackle the mentioned issues. Firstly, the government should encourage citizens to use public transportations using renewable energy instead of private cars or motorbikes which are the main causes of traffic growing leading to air pollution. Secondly, by absolutely utilize sustainable energy like solar power, wind power to run vehicles or factories, the government will significantly reduce the emission of harmful gas which contributes to environmental degradation.

In conclusion, it is not a feasible way to increase the petrol price for the reduction of traffic congestions and air pollutions. Besides, renewable energy will be the best substitution to solve this recent problems.

ARGH! You missed the minimum word requirement by 1 word. Just 1 word. Believe it or not, you will still have a small penalty applied to your work for that missing word. Always make sure you write more than the minimum, anywhere between 275-290 should protect you from word count penalties and help increase your score in the other sections.

Your second paragraph is a prompt deviation. You are discussing the effects of Covid 19 on the ecomony,

The phrase; "to a certain extent" does not meet the clear opinion statement requirements of the task. You are given a score based on your ability to give a clear opinion, which in this case is a measure response to the "extent" question. If you do not offer a clear extent response, then the essay will be scored lower due to the lack of a clearly stated opinion. An example of a more appropriate response is; "I strongly oppose this point of view based on a number of reasons.Other measures that could be considered are... " That sentence clearly indicates a measured (strongly) response (oppose) to the question being asked. There is also a clear outline of the reasoning discussion (other measures... ) presented as a part of the original discussion response. All of these would have helped secure the clarity of your opinion and the basis of your discussion. The scores of which would have a direct effect on your TA plus C&C score.

Do not indicate information not in the original prompt, there has never been a debate regarding this topic over the decades. The question is being asked in the moment. Do not make assumptions that could alter the information from the original presentation. Your ability to restate the original prompt with accuracy is very important to your TA and C&C score. Be accurate, never assume, never imply, never add information. Just stick to the basic presentation, that is how you score better.

What has Covid 19 got to do with the discussion? You are not being asked to discuss the negative effects of Covid 19 on the energy situation. You have just changed the prompt discussion, which means the examiner will disregard that whole paragraph, and deduct all of those words from your actual word count, which means, you do not have a prayer of passing the test at this point. You should have immediately presented your first suggestion for the alternate solution instead, then immediately followed it up with the 2nd suggestion in the 3rd paragraph.

The third paragraph is also problematic as you only present suggestions without fully developing the explanation for each solution you present. That is why the essay reasoning paragraphs should have focused on the solutions only, rather than that irrelevant discussion that you presented which cause the essay to fail the test. You should have only 1 topic per paragraph unless otherwise specified. The essay you wrote has too many comprehension and formatting problems for it to achieve a passing band score. You will not pass the test yet. Not at this point.

You first need to familiarize yourself with the discussion formats and how to approach them in your response. You will not want for examples of those at this forum. You will also manage to learn about how to discuss each format since proper advice is given to the students pertaining to their specific errors in the thread. These should help you avoid making the same mistakes in the future and hopefully, help you achieve a better presentation next time.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your comment. It really helps me a lot. Hope to receive further supports from you!

@Holt
This is my corrected essay following your suggestions. Would you mind taking your time to have a look? Thank you so much.

... to lots of debate nowadays. Personally, I totally disagree with this solution and I believe that there are some proper remedies to ...

... that of the world, detrimental impacts on national economy will drastically occur. Moreover, an increasing of petrol prices is likely to limit people's freedom to travel. As a result, people can not reduce stress after work, leading to negative thought such as suicide, which unintentionally creat a new burden to the country.

... the mentioned issues above. ... encourage citizens to take public transportations ... causes of traffic growing. In fact, the improvement of various means of transport like buses or trains will limit the number of vehicles on the road, result in the reduction of traffic jams and accidents. ... will significantly restrict the emission of ... For example, according to Nature Network, most scientists agree that solar installation produces avarage of 30 times less carbon dioxide than coal power.

In conclusion, ...

I think maybe you can also rephrase your sentences a little bit so that readers can focus on your points quickly.
I would change some of your sentence structure from S+V to Ving+V or It has been...

A rising of fuel costs to reduce ...

It has been frequently discussed that a rising of fuel costs can have a positive impact on reducing the problems of traffic congestion and environmental pollution.

Reducing traffic congestion and the following problems such as pollution can be perfectly solved by simply raising the fuel costs.

@echo5016
Thank you so much for your suggestions!

You need to rephrase some sentences my dear

@KrishaP
Thank you for your comment, would you mind suggesting which sentences I need to rephrase? Thank you so much