Nowadays in our life, money playing a big role in several respects; first money has direct relation with health. When you are wealthy, you can provide better life style and when you get sick better medical service is available for you .Second, in education system the effect of money is tangible. Education is very expensive for many people. And it would not provide them with a more secure future and a higher standard of living .therefore, if you have to work hard and overtime with a low salary. it is not possible to continue university attendance .last but not the least point is to get respect or esteem. Having more money means having more prestige and more attention. Therefore I believe that although a main aim of making money is to get welfare .there are clearly further benefits if we continue to promote it in other respects in our life.
You definitely need to proofread your own work; there are a lot of grammatical errors! Try to stay away from using the first and second person tenses (like in the first sentence "our"). When writing a persuasive paragraph, it is much more powerful to stay in the third person. I also think you need a stronger thesis statement. You really want it to capture the reader's attention, while also showing what the rest of the paragraph is about.
"Nowadays in our life, money playing a big role in several respects" ... Maybe you can say: Nowadays money affects deeply different aspects of one's life.
"first money has direct relation with health" ... Maybe you can say: firstly, there is direct relation between one's income and him/ her health.
"Second, in education system the effect of money is tangible." ... Maybe you can say: Second, one's educational situation obviously depends on his/ her financial situation.
Tanks for your help. I will do my best to writing better.