IELTS TASK 2: Science will soon make people live longer. Good?Bad?Discuss both, give your opinions

Hi guys, while I was wandering around on the Internet and see this interesting topic makes me want to practice with it now @@. Feel free to comment and give me feedbacks ( it would be better if u give me a band score too : V )

Topic:
SCIENCE WILL SOON MAKE PEOPLE LIVE UP TO 100 OR EVEN 200 YEARS. SOME BELIEVE THIS IS A GOOD THING WHILE OTHERS DISAGREE. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION!!!

My essay:
In the future, scientists will soon have the capability to make humanity live longer. Some people think this is beneficial while others oppose. This essay will discuss both standpoints and shall give my comment later. (am I doing this right ?)

First of all, people having a longer lifetime is actually great in various aspects. The first one is obvious, people can enjoy more in their life, such as foods they never taste, places they never go as well as things they never see. Secondly, there are still myriads of intelligent people such as scientists in the world who can contribute a lot more for this community and it would be sad if they die so early. In other words, having a longer life span can help them reach more helpful achievements.

Nevertheless, everything has its dark side and this is not exceptional. To elaborate, imagine there are still bad people outside namely criminals, terrorists and suchlike can lengthen their life. What can be worse more is this, people will suffer more pains, tears, threats, living in a dangerous world where they do not know the when death coming in any seconds just because of bombs as well as other explosions. (lol this part makes me so emotional that makes me throw all out :))

Although it can be dangerous as I stated, I would choose the former opinion due to this problem can also be solved. To prevent this disaster, education needs to be improved a lot more, making children realize that crime and suchlike is a really serious bad job which can affect others and it is not worth for their tiny, selfish benefits. Even this happens, our technology needs to be supreme enough that can counter those deadly criminal activities.

In conclusion, having a longer life has its pros and cons, but in my personal point, humanity will gain benefits if they can handle those upcoming difficulties.

Wish luck to all students at here having a great IELTS band score :D

I think it is better not to mention this "This essay will discuss both standpoints and shall give my comment later." because it sounds like the prompt of the question right?

@Dang Khoa
Hello there!

Let me help you with your essay.

I appreciate the introduction of your essay. It is brief and straightforward - two characteristics that are essential when you're working within word counts. That being said, however, the formality of the tone can be worked on to improve the general look of your essay. Doing this would enable you to have more substantive content that would also be academically appropriate.

That being said, be cautious of your preposition, punctuation, and general hold over grammatical conventions. You have a tendency to stray a little bit, causing you to appear to be rambling rather than establishing cautiously content for your essay. Having a structured outline before writing would help you definitely with this. When I say that an outline helps, I do not mean just merely having thoughts clustered; I mean having clear boundaries of what your content will focus on on each specific part/paragraph that you have.

Let me revise your essay for you to give you a clearer picture of how this looks.

In the future, scientists will soon have the capability to make humanity live longer extend the lives of humans. Some people think ... oppose While some think it is beneficial, others disagree. This essay will discuss both standpoints perspectives and shall give my comment later give a personal commentary.

Firstly of all, people having a longer lifetime is actually great in various aspects. ..., people can enjoy ... never see will have more time to enjoy their experiences extensively and with depth. Secondly, there are still myriads of ... as scientists in the world who can contribute a ... community produce beneficial work and it would ... early. In other words, h Having a longer life span can help them reach moreattain helpful achievements.

I hope this helped. Best of luck in your writing!

I think you made your points clear in the essay. And the layout seems nice and easy to understand, which is very important for your readers.

Thanks for your all comment! You guys really helped me a lot, what I realize is that I keep making the same mistake which is "straying" and not really use the accurate word as Maria said. I will try to control my emotion and get as straightforward as possible.