Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

IELTS TASK 2 : SOLUTION AND PROBLEM FROM MAINTAINING A SUCCESSFUL WORKER AND HAPPY FAMILY TIME


dynaranjani 27 / 24 18  
Feb 3, 2016   #1
Many people strive to maintain a successful career and happy family life at the same time. What problems can this situation create? What are the possible solutions?

Some people seem to have sacrificed themselves so as to succeed both in work and family. This will be likely to trigger new problems, such as fatigue and the most possible solution to tackle this problem is by prioritizing their desires.

Maintaining a successful work performance and happy family life simultaneously tend to cause fatigue both physically and mentally. Fatigue is when people feel extremely tired to the point that they do not bear doing the same thing anymore. This results in people decreasing health and work performance. Psychologists have found that human's brain is not designed for multitasking job. If they force to do so, a catastrophe may occur.

It is generally believed that making a priority in life helps to overcome such notion. People should prioritize which area they want to focus on and keep themselves to stick with their list. For example, business executives who have already dedicated themselves in work, have confirmed that priorities list is extremely useful to determine which business purposes overrides others. This approach is more likely to be helpful turning them into a real successful business executive. Therefore, I believe that by doing so, people can be well performed in the area where they want to explore more but this does not mean that they have to abandon one of these terms.

In conclusion, forcing ourselves to be better as a family member and a worker at the same will eventually lead to feel a prolonged exhausted since human's body and brain do not support this. Therefore, listing some priorities can be addressed as the best solution to solve this major dilemma.

mita23 34 / 37 3  
Feb 4, 2016   #2
This results in people decreasing health and work performance >> As a result, people's health and their work performance turn to be worse.
sharfina 35 / 21 5  
Feb 4, 2016   #3
Perfect Dynar!!

my little suggestion : perhaps you can explain this sentence more detail.. "Psychologists have found that human's brain is not designed for multitasking job.."
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Feb 4, 2016   #4
Dynar, there is an existing conflict in your discussion. As part of your thesis statement, you have indicated that one of the possible solutions to the problem would be to have people prioritize their desires in order to prevent fatigue. If you review your essay, you will see that you did not discuss prioritizing desires in order to prevent fatigue. Instead, you spoke of a "priority list" that business executives have which they follow in order to help lessen the stress of their workload. I did not see any mention of this list int he opening statement, so why is it being discussed in the essay? Where in the essay did you speak of prioritizing your desires on order to alleviate stress? I don't believe I saw any discussion of that topic at all in your essay.

While you did discuss the professional opinion that forcing the brain to multitask could result in problems for the workers, you did not really accurately discuss the points that you presented in your opening statement. That is a major problem in your essay and, in the point of view of an examiner, shows a lack of focus and ability to create a fluid and inclusive discussion in English on your part. Always keep in mind that if you say it in the opening statement, you have to discuss it in the body of the essay. Otherwise, your essay will be deemed incomplete.

I am not saying that you cannot change or add to the discussion that you presented. What I am telling you, is that you need to first discuss the obvious reasons that you included in the opening statement before further adding information to the essay. Doing so will result in a stronger essay, a better developed English response, and prove your ability to discuss in English at great and proper length. Thus causing a better score for you at the end of the test.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 : SOLUTION AND PROBLEM FROM MAINTAINING A SUCCESSFUL WORKER AND HAPPY FAMILY TIME