Hello, teachers. I am preparing for IELTS recently. Here is my first try on an essay, which is from IELTS Cambridge12, Test7, Task2. Would you please give me some advice to improve it and a band? Thank you a lot:)!
new railway lines or development of old public transportation?
Topic:
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transportation. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Here is my essay:
Transportation construction has been a major concern for a long time. Needless to say, it is because planned transportation would boost a place's economy. Some people argue that we should spend a lot of money building new railways for very fast trains to connect cities, while some think to improve the public transportation we have already had so far is the first thing to do.
I totally agree with these two perspectives. Very fast trains do play an important role in promoting economic development, partly because they can combine business works in different cities in a country, and that will enhance the efficiency on working. The other reason is that people wouldn't be restricted by transportation from choosing their works. Some people, for example, may give up their dream jobs for the reason they want to live with their family, but cities where they live aren't the same ones in which they work.
The situation truly happened in Taiwan. We built High-Speed Railway, which is known as HSR, around ten years ago. From then on, cities have become more prosperous and the scales of companies been enlarged. On top of that, Students and people who leave hometown for their works can go home more often, and more and more people take HSR to work every day, so they can spend more time with their family, which both have strengthened family bonds.
On the other hand, though, improving existing transport systems is also an important fact that I cannot deny. We still have a few problems with them, such as traffic jams or too old public transportation. Spending money repairing them can build connections between urban and rural areas, and that can also bring benefits to a country. For instance, if people who were in rural areas could go to cities more easily, they would have more possibilities to be employed. Solving the problems of traffic jams could reduce the time which people spend on traffic, so they would have more time on their recreation or family.
In conclusion, I think they both can bring inhabitants wellfares, so both are important; we cannot spend money only on one of them. Therefore, the major problem for government is planning well for spending our taxes on new railway lines and old public transportation.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 This was never an agree/disagree essay prompt. Why did you discuss it that way? The prompt discussion instruction is clear:
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Therefore, by indicating:I totally agree with these two perspectives. You have changed the full prompt discussion requirements. Which means, you failed to properly address the task. TA score: 1 - Your response did not respond to the task. Again, the task given was:
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
What you gave was a response to an agree/disagree essay. Definitely not what the instruction asked you to do. Therefore, the TA score will be one of the lowest marks possibly given for it.
Your total introduction was wrong. It was not a paraphrase of the original instructions, which is the expectation in the TA section of this essay. A possible proper rephrasing of the given discussion is:
The citizens of several nations believe that a tremendous amount of cash should be set aside for speed railway development to hasten transport between metropolitan areas. This discussion exists even as other citizens of the same states believe that the banknotes should be redirected towards the development of existing social conveyances. I have an opinion about this topic but I would like to compare the two points of view before making my thoughts known.
If you compare what I wrote with the original prompt discussion and instructions, you will see that I managed to cover all the points from the original using a varied degree of vocabulary and sentence presentations. That is what you should aim for in your presentation.
Now, with regards to your reasoning paragraphs, had you used reference phrases to indicate the public POV in the discussion, you would have scored even higher because you would show that you know how to present clear discussions. Reference phrases could range from "The first group supports the use of the money for...." and "However, the other organizations explain that..." Such opening references clearly indicate the public ideas / opinions as per the prompt instructions before representing your own discussion as "These considerations have made me believe that...." By clearly representing each aspect of discussion, you will increase your C&C and GRA scores.
Your concluding paragraph is a continuation of the discussion you had already presented in the paragraphs. You have only 3 body paragraphs for this type of essay. The concluding paragraph should have only presented a short form of the body of paragraphs. As such, further TA deductions will be made.
I am not going to give you a score for this particular essay because you already know that it will fall short of the passing score requirements. I will however, score your next essay, when you have written a more prompt responsive presentation.
