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IELTS task 2 : Staying healthy in this modern world becomes more and more difficult


pikul 23 / 26 3  
Jan 6, 2016   #1
hello there, please correct my writing task 2 if you don't mind, i would appreciate any suggestion you may have.. thank you

QUESTION
some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be

discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Today's hot issue is about healthy lifestyle. As seen, this way of life is hard to be found by people in modern era. While this common though is argued by some people in the light of advance technology, others believe that such an healthy lifestyle is easy to achieve but need some ventures to reach it. Therefore it is suggested that both of them have their own reason.

Apparently finding a health lifestyle seems difficult for some people because recent inventions such as mobile phone, computer, give great contribution to people in degeneration health. A 2011 recent Indonesian University study reveals, that more than 70% of people in Indonesia tend to ignore sports since they were more likely to choose playing online games in computer or mobile phone rather than do regular exercise. This result in their health such as lack of of exercise and easy to suffer disease. It is clear that a sendentary lifestyle is obviously seen in Indonesian people. As a result, such an invention affects people to live in unhealthy life.

Apart from the previous discussion, others argue that it is not difficult to get fit. There is growing evidence that people can have a healthy life only with a little desire and effort. Firstly, they can exercise regularly such work out in a gym in order to improve their health since a number gyms with the latest fitness equipment have been built in the modern world. In addition, it is convenient to get healthy food to avoid cholesterol problem due to some modern supermarkets have spread to various region these days. Furthermore, it will be much better if people particularly workers consider of walking or riding bicycle instead use their cars. None of this would have been possible without make a real effort and strong eagerness.

The aforementioned evidence shows that the impact of modern era have brought people to a sedentary lifestyle. However, it is believed that this problem can be tackled easily if they want to be. Where possible, people should do exercise in groups so as to omit boredom.

nuni11 33 / 30 5  
Jan 6, 2016   #2
...recent inventions such as mobile phone and computer, give great contribution to people'sin degeneration health health degeneratiom . A 2011 recent Indonesian University study revealsIn 2011, study from Indonesian University reveals that more than 70% of people in Indonesia(...)This result in their health such as lack of of exercise and easy to suffer disease This habits, such as lack of excercise give impact to their health and it is easier for them to get sick.

it will be much better if people particularly workers consider of walking or riding bicycle instead use their cars.

You cannot put this on the body paragraph because the main idea of your paragraph is the reason why some people argue that being healthy is easy, while this sentence is kind of suggestion.

Also, you do not cover the requirement of the task. You have to state your opinion clearly to ensure that the last part of the question "...give your own opinion" is answered.


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