Students should become good people by their parents or their school ? ( ielt task 2 )

Whose responsibility to make students good citizens?

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.
Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.[

Throughout these years, many people believe that children have to be good citizens of the society and they should be educated by their parents. On the other hand, there is also a myriad of people think that school is the best choice to make them become good people for the society. While i admit with both standpoints, i still strongly argue that there has to be a cooperation between the parents and schools.

On the one hand, parents teach their children has some undisputable benefits. The reason is because they have some precious knowledge, experiences that school does not have. For instance, some parents who are experienced entrepreneurs are definitely better than teachers at school about selling, which means if the boys or girls learn from their parents will be a better businessman than study at school and of course, they could avoid many mistakes in the business world. By contrast, the education from school can sometime enlighten student better than at home. In fact, school gives students great solid knowledge about everything from the elementary to academic like vocabularies, languages, basics math, history and so on.

However, i think it will be more beneficial if the children learn from both of them. To be more specific, school should be a hard foundation and then the parents will give them the "equipments" that they have learned in their life in order to let them "fly" far and "stay" safe in some renowned company or even open their own store. In other words, parents and schools are both must-have materials for the children.

To recapitulate, a combination between parents and school is best way to transform students become good citizens.
( this is my first writing so i am sorry for some mistakes and faults that i made is this essay and i will really really appreciate who give me feedbacks :), btw, i am using my own character is write this and not follow my teacher. If u guys see something that "go to far :)" plz tell me )

instead of this line
"While i admit with both standpoints..."
you should write: "this essay will discuss both notions and state my own position. "
they want you to discuss both opinions, you can not stand with both views. you should go with one view after discussing both views.

Dang, your opening paraphrase is still too similar to the original to be considered your own representation of the discussion. You should avoid using the same terms as the original prompt for this purpose so "good members of society" should become "responsible participants in the community" and "school is the best choice to make" should become "school is the best educational option for social manners".

Now, your total discussion is in error because the prompt is asking about "good members of society" which refers to the community membership of a person or child. You are discussing business, which is not part of the community membership as referred to in this prompt. A better example to have discussed here would be an anti-bullying campaign or civic participation in a community setting. My assessment is that you did not really understand what the context of "good members of society" meant in the original prompt which is what led to the error in your discussion.

Additionally, this is not a direct question essay so you should not have presented any sort of discussion in the opening statement of this essay. For the POV essay, you just restate the prompt in an original manner with a reference to the instructions provided. You could have said, for the instruction portion:

Both points of view will be considered in this discussion after which I shall comment on the varying points of view. Or something similar to that.

I can see your potential to write good essays for this task. It is understandable that you will make a mistake with your first practice run. I know that I can expect to see improvements with your upcoming practice presentations. Keep writing, you can only get better from here.