Question: In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting universities studies.
Discuss the advantages and the disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.
Answer:
Before entering university, pupils in some states usually spend their leisure time for working in part-time job or travelling to several different resorts. Because of this, it would make them close to job's environment, and give new them the new spectacular experiences. However, it would be virus which encourages them to focus in job and travelling as priority.
There are some benefits that can be acquired from this case. First of all, it give student the reflecting of their future's job as they have tried working in a company which suitable with their hobbies eventough in short time.
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Before entering university, pupils in some states usually spend their leisure time for working in part-time job or travelling to several different resorts. Because of this , it would make them close to job'sworking environment, and give new them the new spectacular experiences. However, it would be virus(virus is for computers) which encourages them to focus in job and travelling as priority instead of studying.
There are many grammar mistakes and unnecessary auxiliary words.
Try to choose just one adjective i.e. several resort or different resorts not "several different resorts".
New experiences or spectacular experiences not "new spectacular experiences". It is overwhelming. Too much of good things is bad thing.
Please makes your sentences simple as what you want to say. Try thinking of talking to 5 years old boy who know only few simple words.
Before entering university, pupils in some states usually spend their leisure time for working in part-time job or travelling to different resorts. This makes them close to working environment and gives them new experiences. However, this condition encourages them to focus on job and travelling as priority instead of studying.
There are some benefits that can be acquired from this case.However, there are some benefits. First of all, it gives student the reflecting reflection of their future's career as they have tried working in a company which suitable withto their hobbies even tough in only for a short time. For example, the part-time job in carpenter's factory which taught them the rules and what have to be fulfill for pupil's career. In addition, travelling refreshes their mood with new challenge, because it would add special-unexpected events. For instance, climbing Bromo Mountain in east java in Indonesia which provides a very beautiful scenery. Finally, students could buy their daily basis with their own money as working pays good salaries such as housekeeping in Al Burj Hotel offering AED 4,310 per month.
Find the adjustment below
However, there are some benefits. First, it gives the students reflection of their future careers as they had tried working in companies which are suitable to their hobbies, even for a short period of time. For example, the part-time job in carpenter's factory had taught them the rules and fulfillment condition of pupil's career. In addition, travelling refreshes the moods with new challenges because of unexpected events; for instance, climbing Bromo Mountain in east java in Indonesia with beautiful scenery. Finally, students will buy their daily goods with their own working money.
Working and travelling are often cause young people careless for study as it is imperative that money and holiday are the things which make people happy. For the example, 2.3 million Indonesian children aged 7-14 years still work in employment . As a result, young people are being lazy to attend attending the class.
Work and travel often cause young people to be careless about their study as money and holidays make them happier. For example, 2.3 million Indonesian children aged 7-14 years are still working. As a result, young people are being lazy to attend attending the class.
To sum up, young people in developed countries tend to work or travel for spending their free time before entering class in university. Although it would affect them to be lazy for study, it also have more positive impacts such as getting new experiences, much more money and feel comfortable for their future jobs. Although it would make them lazy to study, it also create positive impacts such as new experiences, money, and comfortability for future career. Therefore, I personally believe that utilizing time with these activities would give the positive improvement for the students.
To sum up, young people in developed countries tend to work or travel for spending their free time before entering class in university. Although it would make them lazy to study, it also create positive impacts such as new experiences, money, and comfortability for future career. Therefore, I personally believe that utilizing time with these activities would give the positive improvement for the students.
Edited essay
Before entering university, pupils in some states usually spend their leisure time for working in part-time job or travelling to different resorts. This makes them close to working environment and gives them new experiences. However, this condition encourages them to focus on job and travelling as priority instead of studying.
Yet, there are some benefits. First, it gives the students reflection of their future careers as they had tried working in companies which are suitable to their hobbies, even for a short period of time. For example, the part-time job in carpenter's factory had taught them the rules and fulfillment condition of pupil's career. In addition, travelling refreshes the moods with new challenges because of unexpected events; for instance, climbing Bromo Mountain in east java in Indonesia with beautiful scenery. Finally, students will buy their daily goods with their own working money.
On the other hand, work and travel often cause young people to be careless about their study as money and holidays make them happier. For example, 2.3 million Indonesian children aged 7-14 years are still working. As a result, young people are being lazy to attend attending the class.
To sum up, young people in developed countries tend to work or travel for spending their free time before entering class in university. Although it would make them lazy to study, it also create positive impacts such as new experiences, money, and comfortability for future career. Therefore, I personally believe that utilizing time with these activities would give the positive improvement for the students.
Your structure is not good because you did not make yourselves clear which direction your argument is going
Intro - Work is good to get new experiences but it makes people don't want to study
Point 1- There is some benefits.
Point 2 - But it makes people don't want to study
Conclusion - it is good to work and travel overall
Please focus on your structure to emphasize what you want to say even though there is two-side of story. Deliver what you think and why you think that is true. Then rebuttal what is the drawbacks. Finally, conclude why your argument is still valid.
Hope this helps
Pann