Students prefer living in campus housing rather than living in off campus. Toefl essay

I need to improve my 20 in writing section of toefel please correct my essay and try to rate it .
According to my life experiences, I'd rather prefer living in university housing than living in the apartments in the community. Undeniably , living in the apartments in the community can allow students to have much more personnal space . However, living in university housing would be much more secure, besides, it can gine the chance for students making friends that studying in the same university, and it can show students how to get along with their roommates such as sharing space and keeping house with roommates and communicating with them. I will elaborate these advantages in next paragraphs.

First, living in university housing can provide students more security that is generally managed by universities . In fact , some classmates that lived far away from school prefer to live in dormitory , because they recognise the quality of security living and convenience . Therefore I urged the students can have much more security if they choose to live in university housing .

Second, living in university can help students to get in touch with new friends wich allows them to share more enjoyable moments .For example , I remember when I was living in dormitory , I had the opportunity to meet many friends whom I consider until now my best friends.Furthermore , these friends who study in the same university with me could be partners to enjoy activities in campus.Consequentely

students who choose to living in university housing can make friends from the same university .

Third, living in university housing can make students how to get along with their roommates such as sharing space and keeping house with roommates and communicating with them. For example , students have their own living habits, they must have opportunities for learning how to get along with roommates who have different living habits if they live in dormitories of university. It's a great opportunity to learn how to accept the difference between people then gradually learn how to share space and communicate with different people. Consequentely ,students who live in university house must have much more ability of get along with different people and it will let them much more open-minded in society.

To sum up, according to these crucial advantages that I elaborated above, I absolutely recommend students living in university housing because advantages outweigh drawbacks .

1. For introductory, you need to write an eye-catching statement to attract the readers' attention. Let me give a try: University students often have a choice of places to live, whether in the university dormitories or community's apartments.

2. Spelling: personal (personnal), gine (give), which (wich), Consequently (Consequentely) ...
3. I suggest you to write the question completely since it will ease members in this forum giving meaningful feedback for your writing :)
4. Avoid repetitive words

Hope this helps...

Hi kenIQB,

Let me give you some suggestions since it makes your writing more organize.

In introductory paragraph, pay attention in building sentences and thesis statement . You have to introduce the topic and give background information about the topic.

For the body paragraph, You have organized it well. Just needs more editing (don't 'be lazy to editing an essay).

Concluding paragraph
Remember this: concluding paragraph consist of three elements:
1. The restatement of the thesis states the writer's position again using different words.
2. The summary of the body paragraphs summarizes the main ideas.
3. The concluding sentence restate the main idea and summarizes the supporting points.

Your summarize only has one component. To boost your score.

Happy editing ;)

I don't give suggestions about content and grammar, but There are 2 notes that I want to let you know:
- If you are writing an essay, the Introduction should be written from 2 to 3 sentences. Don't write too much, 'cause you can lose from your topic and it can also make examiners confused

- You need to balance the length of each paragraph.

Hope this help. Good luck ^.^