To succeed, It is necessary to make sure that others know about your strengths or accomplishments.

reputation, cooperation and money role in a success

In the modern society, people possess different perspectives on how to be successful. Some believe that showing of their own strength to others is necessary to succeed, while others disagree. Given this heated debate we have seen over the past decades, I feel compelled to say a few words. I believe that people can still be successful without showing off their strength to others if they can achieve the following factors.

The first factor is reputation. A great reputation can help people succeed regardless of their own strength. For example, my brother Jon built his reputation by participating many social events, such as helping old people with their daily tasks and teaching kids how to read. As a result, many big corporations offered him a job as they all admired his reputation. In contrast, with a bad reputation, my uncle Ben struggled to find a job when he graduated from college, despite the fact that he was well-known for high productivity. Thus I believe that reputation is an important factor contributing to success.

The second factor is cooperation. In this competitive working environment, it is difficult for an individual to face the overwhelming challenges of other competitors by solely relying on his or her own strength. In other words, cooperation can make people feel comfortable and help them succeed easily. For instance, even though he was known for being the best basketball player on this planet, Lebron James and his team were still defeated by Warriors, a team that each of its members was not as good as Lebron James but cooperated very well.

Last but not least, we can still achieve our goals without showing off if we are wealthy. In order words, money is the most powerful thing in the world and if we can use it wisely, we can be successful as well. For example, Liu Wen, son of the successful businessman Liu Jian, donated a huge amount of money to JP Morgan, a famous investing company, in order to get a position working at it. Ironically, he succeeded and got the position that other people work so hard to try to get.

To sum up, due to the reasons listed above the paragraphs, I believe reputation, cooperation and money can help an individual to be successful even if he or she does not show others its own strength.

Chin, try to avoid making exaggerated claims such as "best basketball player on the planet" in your essays. It creates a non-academic tone in your writing and comes across as hyperbole to the reader. Just stick to basic statements that refer to facts without stretching the truth. That way your essay remains academic in tone and focused on the discussion topic instead. When you use examples in your essay, make sure to use more popular, widely known examples instead of referring to people who may be known only in your country. The effect of your recommendations and examples upon the reader should be to better inform them through example. If they do not know who you are talking about, the message of your statement is not as strong or effective. If you want to make a memorable statement, then use more international, rather than local based, figures in your report / essay.

The overall work on the essay feels rushed. Try to relax while writing next time. Don't think about the writing time allotment too much. That will prevent you from properly focusing on your essay discussion development. Were you writing this for a TOEFL test or something? If you were, then you are off to a good start. There will always be room for improvement in your written work though and it should always start at this point in your practice essay tests.

@Holt
Thanks for the valuable feedback!

I did rush on this one. I'll try to relax more next time.

By the way, it is for TOEFL test. Did I put it in the wrong section?

@sweetkick
Well, I think you do have a clear mindset in organizing your article.
While I am not a linguist and not preparing for TOEFL, I can only give you some unprofessional suggestions.

Just like Holt's words, some famous celebrities for the examples may be stronger in convincing readers.
Maybe you can use some substitutions for repeated words, such as reputation in paragraph 2. Use "keyword" less, only in topic sentences.
Again, I think your essay is quite good.