Sugar-based drinks trend in mordern life

I'm about to take IELTS exam but I'm worried about my writing skill. I want to know my level. Could you help me ?

Topic:

People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks.

Why ? What can be done to reduce sugary drink consumption ?

My essay:
Many factories have changed their businesses to manufacture drinks containing a lot of sugar to reap profits. This type of drink is successful to attract a number of certain consumers. This essay will give two reasons why more sugary drinks are spent and put forward some great measures for this serious problem.

On the issue of sweetened drinks, a key factor is that marketing is at the root of a significant increase in the intake of sugary drinks. It is vital to understand that advertisements create a situation in which various manufacturers promise that customers will not get overweight or at the risks of health diseases such as heart diseases and obesity when they use these products despite their high level of sugar. This situation generates an outcome whereby this enticement successfully persuades the consumers to form the lifetime habit of buying these drinks, especially children and teenagers. Another important element in this problem is fully energetic feeling the drinks bring to customers. The major consumers of this drinks are young people, who are dead-tired and lack of energy to focus on their lessons. Drinking sugary drinks provides them with enough calories to promote them to continue their study.

To tackle the rise in the popularity of sugary drinks, it is essential for administrations to raise taxes on the sales of soft drinks. Obviously, higher price of them will prevent people purchase them due to lack of finance. This has been done in France, for instance, and could be implemented by other countries. Another effective measure to combat the promotion of soft drinks is health awareness programs on TV, social media and locations. Local schools and hospitals create opportunities to offer people deep understanding of harmful consequences of consuming unhealthy drinks. Moreover, health warnings should be put on labels so that the consumers can recognize all necessary health information of the products.

To summary, although the promotion of sugar-based drinks has taken under the influence of advertisements and energetic feeling, effective steps can be taken to reserve this trend.

Your writing level will lead to an immediate failing task compliance score. The prompt restatement is incorrect and unrelated to the original prompt. You are not providing any writer's opinion or thesis statement in response to the direct questions. You have not accomplished the correct scoring premise requirements for at least half of the scoring considerations. The result of this will be a failing essay score in the end, even if you try to right your discussion presentation because you did not start the essay in the correct manner and form.

English word usage is incorrect for the most part in the presentation, leading to confusing references and incorrect sentence formation. All of which will greatly reduce the LR, C+C, and GRA scores to failing levels. When comboned with the improper restatement + opinion paragraph, what you will be left with is a failing score essay.

The first and second reasoning paragraphs are comprised of good reasons, but lacking in reasoning development. While there are some transition words and connecting words used, there was no connectivity between the reasons because these were not fully explained. You need to remember that you do not need several reasons in one paragraph, where indicated, one reason per paragraph, in relation to the writing guide questions will suffice. You need to explain better because that is what you are scored upon, not the number of reasons you can provide. More reasons, with incorrect development will result in reduced sectional scores.

* You may contact me privately for comprehensive scoring services. Thank you.

From my experience , you have a grammar and vocabulary knowledge but you need to use more connect words and explain your opinions clearly. In addition, you have to mention that this is your belief and you cannot assure all your belief