[Ielts task 2] Sugary drinks should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar

Hi. Im new to task 2 so please help me correct my writing. Thanks

Sugary drinks should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people suggest that drinks which contain high levels of sugar should be made more expensive to make those less popular among consumers. This essay totally agrees with this statement because of the health and environmental benefits, and these advantages will be clarified in the later parts.

It can be clearly seen that by reducing daily sugar intake, people's health can be improved greatly. Sugar is a substance that vital to our health and contribute to our body to make it function normally. However, if we take too much sugar, it will cause some problems to our health and eventually might result in serious diseases such as obesity, high blood sugar,... Therefore, by making sugar drinks more expensive through taxes will reduce the consumer numbers , and overall will improve their health conditions. For example, according to a recent survey, about a third of american are having obesity, and this is a direct result of high sugar food intake daily.

Another benefit of taxing sugary drinks is about the environment. To be able to produce sugary drinks, manufacturers tend to store the liquids in plastic bottles. These kinds of bottle are detrimental to the environment because it can not be recycled easily and will last for millions of year, causing degradation of soil and rivers. Hence, through reduce the demand of sugary drinks will have indirectly positive impacts on the environment.

In conclusion, by increasing the price of sugary drinks, this will lead to positive impacts on the health of people such as reducing the rate of obesity and high blood sugar, and also benefit the environment through lowering the amount of plastic bottles used.

Why are you not offering a personal opinion as indicated by the original prompt. For comparison purposes, you were asked:

OQ: Do you agree or disagree?
R: This essay totally agrees...

Since the essay cannot write itself, you cannot say that the essay totally agrees with something. You need to use personal pronouns throughout the essay to prove that you are writing about your own point of view rather than using general discussion points. This non-use of first person singular pronouns will immediately result in a lower overall TA and GRA score for that paragraph. The continued lack of proper references will not be helpful to your sectional scores. You cannot use group pronouns because you are not writing a group opinion paper, thus disallowing you from speaking for others. You can only speak for yourself in the reasoning paragraphs and summary conclusion.

Even though the discussion points are correct, the incorrect response format is the biggest scoring deduction reason for this essay.