hi! I have just finished writing an essay about the following ielts topic and I need some reviews about it. ( such as ideas, grammars, etc.) thank you so much!
TOPIC: In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?
The swift expansion and emergence of industries and businesses have made urban areas become more cramped. Many governments are encouraging them to move to rural areas. Personally, I wholeheartedly believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks.
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The prompt is not asking you to give your opinion, and therefore, Personally, I wholeheartedly believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks. must be eliminated
makes the government do this do,things e.t.c should always be surrogated by more specific words.
I would respectfully disagree with Vns9x - to me the essay is asking for your opinion, what else would it be asking? For this format, the TOEFL is always asking what you think or what your opinion is. I must admit this prompt seems a bit confusing - usually the TOEFL essays say "which has more advantages?" or "which side to your prefer?" if they want you to talk only about one side of the issue or "compare the advantages and disadvantages of both and state which one you prefer" or "discuss both viewpoints and give your preference" if they want you do discuss both sides of the issue. To me, this prompt seems more like the former, so I don't know if I would discuss both sides like you did. In any case, you do need to spend more time and space detailing why your prefer one over the other. You could do this in a separate body paragraph or add it to your conclusion.
The swift expansion and emergence of industries and businesses have made urban areas become more cramped. Many governments are encouraging them to move to rural areas. Personally, I wholeheartedly believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks.
To begin with, one major advantage that makes{"encourages" seems better} the government do this is because it may help enterprises reduce the cost pour[ed] into infrastructures and workers. For example, the exact amount of money paid for one month [to rent] renting manufactures {"manufactures" is not really correct as a noun here} and factories in urban areas could be used for two months in rural areas. Therefore, they are able to expend their budget on more investments. Not just that, moving these to such areas could generate more job opportunities for local people and hence diminish the unemployment situation. Furthermore, one of an implicit purpose of this strategy is to reduce the level of pollution, which is an urgent issue in many big cities. {if this is for TOEFL, I would go into more details for these reasons and give an extended and detailed example, like how a friend or relative was personally helped by gaining a job at a new factory or how a new factory rejuvenated a town near you}
On the other hand, having industrials{"industrials" does not really work as a noun here} and businesses at [in] remote areas may prolong the process ["prolong the process" sounds a little odd here} of transportation and allocation. In addition, most of the workforce in such places are inexperienced and it will take some time for them to be trained and be[come] aware {"become well-trained in the " is better} of the manufacturing processes. It may be more difficult for those companies located at regional areas { a regional area does not really mean the countryside or a small town - maybe you mean provincial area} to expand their business because they are further from their clients and contacts.
In conclusion, although motivating["motivating" is incorrect here - it is not really a synonym for moving or transferring} industries and businesses to regional area brings many benefits to the society and increase the public health, the companies have to bare [bear] more disadvantages.