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The table and the pie chart below shows the numbers of visitors and the survey of satisfaction.

TryToImprove 1 / 1  
Aug 12, 2017   #1
Q1 : The opening are very similar to the question, is it ok or not ?

Please give me an advise and the score i may reach in IELTS. Thank you.

Total number of visitors to Ashdown Museum

The table with a set of data present the total number of visitors before and after the Ashdown Museum refurbished. Two given pie chart also illustrate the result of survey in percentage about the visitor's opinion in satisfy or not in the same period.

Overall, there are less number of visitors with more dissatisfied, which the total number of visitors are increased with more satisfy after the museum was refurbished.

Before the refurbishment, the museum have in total 74000 number of visitors to visit. Half of them are dissatisfied or very dissatisfied, while still have 45% visitors are satisfied or very satisfied and 5% are not in response. Situation changed after the refurbishment, the visitors are raised to 92000 also with the satisfaction. The proportion of visitors who are satisfied or very satisfied are sharply increased from 45% to 75%, while the visitors who are dissatisfied or very dissatisfied are dropped from 50% to 20% and the proportion of no response visitors remain unchanged.

Words: 164

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,430 4691  
Aug 12, 2017   #2
In response to your question, no, it is not alright to have an opening that is highly similar to the original instructions provided. The whole point of the first paragraph is to allow you to display your ability to represent the original discussion in your own words. You have to deliver your own understanding of the prompt requirements, as well as the overview of the supplied information points in a manner that best suits your English comprehension and writing abilities. Failure to do so will result in lowered scores across all the scoring considerations.

Your essay cannot score well because of the lack of comparison points within the analysis presentation. The proper representation would have been to present the percentages before refurbishment in one paragraph, after refurbishment in the next paragraph, then a comparison of the trends, high points, and lowest points, in the last paragraph. These would have been sufficient enough to gain you a passing score in the actual test.
henryo2 2 / 2  
Aug 16, 2017   #3
I think it is ok to write the same opening section of the topic if you can paraphrase it with different words
Ahmad1103 1 / 3  
Aug 17, 2017   #4
regard to your essay, it is better for you to use a degree of comparison to increase your GPA and CC. And also your introduction is quietly over
minhphuccttv 4 / 11  
Aug 18, 2017   #5
Hello Try

In your writing has many mistakes:
The table with a set of data present => presents,
opinion in satisfy => satisfying,
the museum have => has,
Situation => the situation,

I hope it can help you.

Minh Phuc

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