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[IELTS writing task 1] Table: Underground railway information summary

hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Sep 26, 2017   #1
The table below gives information about the underground railway systems in six cities.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Can you give specific mark to my writing based on four academic IELTS writing criterias? Much appreciation!
Here's my essay:

figures of railway systems in six cities

The given table presents statistics on the network of underground railway of six cities across the world. Data is compared in terms of year of operation, length and annual ridership. Overall, London had the oldest and largest metro system while that of Tokyo had the highest capacity.

Specifically, the London underground was first opened in 1863, which was 37 years earlier than the operation in Paris, thus making it the only metro from the nineteenth century included in the list. Other cities began put their subways into service throughout the following century, with Tokyo, Washington DC and Kyoto respectively. Whereas Los Angles was the last one to feature this means of transportation in the year 2001.

By a fairly wide margin, the route length of London underground was higher than all of the remaining cities. Standing at 384 kilometers, the figure also doubled that of Paris. Meanwhile the Japanese city of Kyoto had the shortest route, extending to merely 11 kilometers.

Nevertheless it was Tokyo's subway that had the highest ridership (1927 million passengers per year). Paris came second at 1191 million passengers. Kyoto, in parallel with its small size, scored the lowest ridership, carrying only 45 million passengers annually.

[200 WORDS]

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,856 4178  
Sep 26, 2017   #2
Giang, just a number of important information were missing from the overview summary. Remember, you need to include a mention of the 6 cities from the chart because that is part of the summary information presentation. Aside from that, you needed to present the discussion instruction information prior to the trending information. Even without those information though, the overview is still strong and informative.

Don't use terms like "specifically" and "Nevertheless' to start your paragraphs. You cannot use those terms because both indicate that a previous discussion, sometimes related to the next sentence, sometimes not, exists in the paragraph. In your presentation, the previous sentence does not exist.

The third paragraph comprises a run-on sentence. The first sentence should have been divided into 2 sentences. This would have made the meaning of the sentences clearer as well.

The last paragraph has information in a parenthesis. Remove the parenthesis. All passenger information must be presented in complete sentences. This is part of required information so it should not be given an optional (parenthesis) presentation. Look at the presentation you made for that paragraph, you mentioned all of the passenger numbers in regular formats, so it makes no sense to put one set of passenger information in a parenthesis.

Based on the work that you did on this chart and the overall effectiveness of your discussion, I think you could get a score of 6 at the most. There are going to be some small considerations on the part of the examiner that might affect your final, overall score but if I were the examiner, this is how I would score it.
OP hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Sep 26, 2017   #3
Thank you so much for your descriptive feedback and suggestion. I'm glad that I found essayforum.com. I've since improved quite a lot by posting essays for feedback and reviewing other people's essays.

Genuine appreciation from Vietnam!
LadyOfClockwork 30 / 102  
Oct 5, 2017   #4
Hi, I'd like to rewrite a sentence for you.

By a fairly wide margin, London has a longer metro system by route length than any other city listed.
monopolymi 4 / 8  
Oct 6, 2017   #5
Hi, I think you can change the word "Specifically" into "It is clear that ", and change "Nevertheless" into "However" or "On the other hand".
AliminHamzah 6 / 9 4  
Oct 10, 2017   #6
Hello hgianghgiang, based my humble opinion. your essay is not too bad actually, you wrote more than 150 words as a requirement, then you make nice comparison especially in your "overall" it's nice comparison I think, about paragraphs, each paragraph consists of 3 sentences, it is very good for the terms to be a single entity paragraph but there is a little mistake such as use of inappropriate vocabulary in place, I mean is not natural the word that you used in your opening and closing statements and I suggest you to add vocabulary so that your writing is richer.

I hope this help :)

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