MANY CHILDREN THESE DAYS HAVE UNHEALTHY LIFESTYLE. BOTH SCHOOLS AND PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SOLVING THIS PROBLEM.
TO WHAT EXTEND DO YOU AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT?
It is true that at this time and ages most adolescents have a sedentary lifestyle particularly regard to consuming risky dishes and drinks. Although I agree that their closest environments such as family and school have a big responsibility to reduce this harmful manner of life, I strongly believe that the government should be involved and be the stakeholder for solving this problem.
At the present time, the sophisticated technology has changed human life in many ways. One of the obvious facts is that most individuals have the instant lifestyle, belong to consume unhealthy cuisines and beverages. In particular, many children have a bad habit in consuming sorts of ready-made meals. As a result, most of them are vulnerable to gain ailments and it is arduous to do their daily activities, such as study and play with their peers.
Basically, this problem is the responsibility of either parents or schools, since they have a vital role to preserve the healthcare of their generations; particularly their mother and father at home have a privilege controlling their children's meal, while the school side must ensure the hygiene of dishes in the canteen. However, the result will not be maximal unless the government takes a part to establish a right policy for reducing this dangerous manner of life. For instance, the Health ministry and the local government in Indonesia have encouraged the license of foods, drinks and cosmetics distribution by built a committee who watch out all of the novel products. Hence, the citizens can consider consuming the licensed goods only.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that to compress the unhealthy lifestyle of the children, parents and schools are the main factors to tackle this phenomenon. However, in my view, if there is not encouragement of the government to relieve this harmful habit then the result will not reach our expectation. The government, parent, and the school must work together to save the young generations.
It is true that at this time and ages most adolescents have
a sedentary lifestyleS ... Well, I don't know whether AGES can be used in writing, but as far as I'm concerned it is a spoken language. Perhaps, you should ask someone who knows it.
...particularly regard to
consuming CONSUME... Tips : TO is always followed by INFINITIVE
...have a big responsibility
to reduce FOR REDUCING this harmful manner of life..
..government should be involved and be FORMED AS the stakeholder for solving this problem. Tips : CONJUNCTIONS (e.g. and, or, but, yet) are used to connect two parts of sentences which are SIMILAR in grammatical status. - See more at: learnenglishteens.britishcouncil.org/grammar-vocabulary/grammar-videos/conjunctions-and-or-so-because-and-although#sthash.ErRsENfw.dpuf
..most individuals have the instant lifestyleS,
belong to consume INCLUDING CONSUMING unhealthy cuisines MEALS and beverages
...many children TEND TO have a bad habit in consuming sorts of ready-made meals. Tips : AVOID to make a generalisation sentence, such as a sentence which uses 'always, have, are,...', except for a fact.
Tips : It is better to include a SCIENTIFIC FACT in your writing task 2. This will boost your score. Good luck !
Mardy. the essay asks that you address the opinion as to whether parents and schools should be held responsible for the health of children. It is a statement that indicates a collective thought of both parents and schools being responsible for one act, that of preventing an unhealthy lifestyle among children. Therefore, you are not supposed to say that either of them are responsible. The essay already states that both of them are considered responsible.
Your only action in this essay is to either agree or disagree with that point of view. That is a point of view that should have been presented at the very start of the essay. The rest of the essay discussion should have been the justification of your point of view. Instead, you are giving us a choice of either making the parent or the school responsible for the prevention of an unhealthy lifestyle among the children. Most specially, you should not be presenting that point of view as a conclusion to the essay.
At this point, your essay doesn't even close properly because of the flawed conclusion presentation, If you can develop a new conclusion that properly contains the elements of a concluding statement, then this essay would at least have a chance of getting a good rating in terms of paragraph presentation, not necessarily discussion.