IELTS - Task 2: Tech has made shopping easier - should costumers be satisfied?

Some people say that modern technology has made shopping today easier, while others disagree.

Discuss both views and give your opinion

Please help me improve my writing skill. Much appreciated!

In the modern days, it is undeniable that advanced technology has made great innovation in the way of shopping. Therefore, the major society prefers to buy items online, while the rest hold the opposite viewpoint. To the best of my knowledge, I am in approval of the first contention. The reasons will be given after discussing both views.

To begin with, the main reason against online shopping is that individuals can easily waste money unworthily. Various items with diverse quantities appear to be overwhelmed on the Internet. Therefore, customers with carelessness face the risk of buying low-quality goods or unsuitable ones. In a more serious case, they can be deceived to lose a massive amount of money because of the lax cybersecurity. That's explaining the offends of using modern automation to buy.

On the contrary, despite having few downsides, shopping online 's merits still overweight. Firstly, it vanishes the geographical distance between customers and sellers. Instead of going to a certain department, citizens nowadays can buy goods just by a virtual click. Consequently, consumers will have a wide range of choices of prices and qualities, while the sellers have more buyers. Secondly, online purchases can create exponential stimulation in the national economy. Since the exchange between retailers and customers become more convenient, the community's purchase will increase. As a result, the country's prosperity will ascend considerably.

In my opinion, while I believe that modern technology has modified shopping to be easier, I admit that there are some valid in the opposing argument. Lax cybersecurity is the main fear of online shopping. Therefore, in order to improve national economy effectively, governments have to reinforce virtual safety to protect individuals who purchase online from online deceivers.

In conclusion, although I greatly support the argument that advanced technology has innovated the approaches of shopping to be more at ease, I believe that cybersecurity should be strengthened so as to guarantee the safety of online shopping for customers. Modern automation can benefit humanity in various field, including purchases, as long as we know how to utilize it approriately.

I think I can give you some feedbacks
_ you had better only divide your essay into 4 paragraphs.
_ the introduction and conclusion should be shorter, and the conclusion should be simple (you can do it by paraphrasing the introduction again)

You have the correct format for this essay. As there are 2 types of formatting for the task 2 essay, you need to be able to identify when to use the 4 paragraph, or 5 paragraph format. In this instance, you chose correctly. This is a 5 paragraph essay. If there are any problems with your presentation paragraphs, you will find it in the following areas:

Errors:
1. Prompt paraphrase
- You chose to make a factual claim ( It is undeniable...) rather than simply state a topic for discussion as shown in the original
- You gave an opinion immediately, without first considering the 2 discussion points. You should not have given an opinion at that point, only stated that you will provide an opinion after the comparison. This would be in accordance with the 5 paragraph format.

1. Reasoning paragraphs
- You are using excessive vocabulary that creates an incoherent sentence in the first reasoning paragraph (error word: unworthily). (Deduction: Lexical Resource)
- The last sentence in this paragraph does not make sense. There is no logic to the presentation of the sentence format. This may have been a transliteration on your part, which caused to translate word for word from your mother tongue. It does not make sense (Deduction: Coherence and Cohesiveness + Lexical Resource)

- Lack of discussion development. In the second reasoning paragraph, the second topic you presented covers only 2 sentences, leading to a confusing statement in that section. (Deduction: Cohesiveness and Coherence)

3. Personal Opinion
- You changed the point of discussion in your personal statement. Rather than simply choosing to discuss if online shopping has made buying items easier or not, you focused on cybersecurity instead. ( Deduction: Task Accuracy)

4. Conclusion:
- Rather than a reverse paraphrase, you presented a discussion based on cybersecurity. Another incorrect paragraph discussion presentation. ( Deduction: Task Accuracy)

The results of these errors shall be a failing score. Even though you followed the 5 paragraph format, the change in discussion topic, insufficient discussion presentation, and problematic vocabulary will prevent you from getting a passing score.