Ielts writing task 2 - Technology (The question is be written below)

Q:
Modern technology now allows rapid and uncontrolled access to and exchange of information. Far from being beneficial, this is a danger to our societies.

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

And here is my essay, please check it for me and score it out of 9. Thanks a lot!

The world is on the threshold of technological advancement, in which information can be disseminated and exchanged expeditiously. However, the opponents still maintain that state-of-the-art digital devices are an impending threat to our lives. From my perspective, I partially agree with the aforementioned point of view.

On the one hand, the mushrooming of news sites with innumerable sources of information has corrosive effects on netizens. First, due to being overwhelmed with loads of uploaded content, unratified contents such as provocative films, violent scenes are slackly managed. For this reason, these evils can be accessed without age restrictions, which may abuse individuals' physical and mental health, namely aggressive behavior, reaching puberty earlier, and even addiction. To clarify, children who play violent games without supervision tend to act deviantly and audaciously, and an addicted one may risk their life on guns and swords as they frequently do in games. Moreover, kids watching provocative films are proven to reach puberty earlier than usual, as well as develop harmful paraphilia. Those detrimental consequences are not only limited to children but also stretch to adults. Second, a large part of online news is uncensored and unverified. Therefore, individuals may be exposed to misleading information, gradually leading to distorted views and attitudes.

On the other hand, expeditious internet dissemination will be a fertile breeding ground for gaining knowledge if all the aforementioned threats are properly managed. First, with a sundry of news sites and shared documents available, people are able to keep abreast of the latest regularities and social shifts freely. Second, the digital world with information exchange facilitates online study courses to be available, make education accessible to rural students. For example, The Science of Well-Being of Yale University, which is one of the most popular online psychological courses, has inspired millions of desperate people and navigated them to a brighter outlook on life. Moreover, learning online encourages self-study and learning at an individual's own pace, which will gradually improve self-discipline if performed properly. Last but not least, information access diversifies teaching methods, from mundane speech to vivid videos and presentations. In this way, the quality of education can be improved.

Having discussed both viewpoints, It is my conviction that overwhelming information dissemination poses a threat on our lives. Nevertheless, its wonderful impact on our gaining knowledge.

There are 2 errors that will result in a failing score for the prompt restatement. The incorrect portions are:
1. The world is not on the "threshold of impending advancement", the world is already in the middle of technological advancements and shows no signs of slowing down. This is a slight misinterpretation of the original topic basis.

2. Why is there a mention of "state of the art digital devices"? The original prompt left no word regarding these instruments of communication. Where did the writer get the idea that these should be mentioned as a part of the paraphrase? It's addition created a different discussion focus that will result in a failing interpretation score.

As for the writer's opinion, his statement is incomplete. What would have completed it is the establishing sentence that he used in the concluding paragraph. The extent of his opinion as presented is really lacking since it does not establish the short reasons that would support his point of view.

The discussion itself is also inappropriate. For this type of extent essay, the writer should stick to one opinion discussion. That means, both reasoning statements should take one topic that he can discuss based on:

1. Why he agrees with it
2. What reasons he has to also disagree with it / only partially support it.

His current presentation does not establish these measured reasoning discussion points. So the essay is not as effective as it should be. It would have done the reasoning paragraphs better if he had paid attention to delivering the correct discussion format to show that he actually understood what the question was asking and how it should be discussed.

There are problems with his discussion presentations as well. By presenting several reasons in the paragraph, but not appropriately developing the connecting discussions, he has created paragraphs that lack cohesiveness. He should focus on creating solid connections within 2 related reasons only, no more than that. Otherwise, he ends up with a paragraphs that lacks thought and reasoning development. He produces the current low scoring discussion paragraphs.

I got several misleading informations in the essay outside what have been corrected by Holt;

1.Moreover, kids watching provocative films are proven to reach puberty ... what's the proof?
2. On the other hand, expeditious internet dissemination will be a fertile breeding ground for gaining knowledge if all the aforementioned threats are properly managed. Meaning that if the threats are not managed well, people can not obtain knowledges from internet at all?

The writer should be very careful for giving their opinion to avoid reader's misinterpretation

On the other hand, expeditious internet dissemination will be a fertile breeding ground for gaining knowledge if all the aforementioned threats are properly managed" I don't really understand this sentence much