Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Technology versus art - what is an essential subject for children at school


dgr8swati 3 / 3 1  
Jul 13, 2016   #1
IELTS Essay: Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Art as a subject in school has been arguable topic. One portion of the world population believes art as a subject is just wastage of time, while others consider it as vital portion of human generation. In this essay, first will show how modern technology are replacing art, then will show how art helps children, then finally will present reasonable conclusion.

Modern technology has become indivisible part of the human life. We cannot think life without technology. For instance, computer literacy has become essential for everyone, and one who does not know how to handle computer is considered as illiterate. Due to this modernization, some argue that children should be taught technology related subject as they can help them for their career growth and earnings. From their point of view, traditional subjects like art are only wastage of time and worth to be replaced by technology related subjects.

On the flip side, art is very important part of the human life and always been a medium of expressing feelings specifically for children. For instance, child who always prefers their comfortable zone can express their feelings by means of painting. Apart from this, in this era of competition, while stress seems to be indivisible part of human race, arts can act as a way to release stress. For example, nowadays music therapy is used to cure depression. In addition to this, arts like dancing keeps child not only fit but also healthy.

To conclude, although arts subjects are essential for overall growth of a person, modern technology related subjects like science and mathematics are essential for career growth. In my opinion, although children should be taught all the subjects in primary education, they should be given choice to select subject in secondary education.
kantyjang 8 / 15  
Jul 13, 2016   #2
while others consider it as vital a portion of human generation.

In this essay, first will show how modern technology areis replacing art, then will show how art helps children,(help sb. do sth. , like help children grow up.) then finally will present a reasonable conclusion. (or present reasonable conclusions)

From their points of view, traditional subjects like art are only wastage of time and worth to be replaced by technology related subjects.

For instance, child who always prefers theirhis or her comfortable zone can express theirhis or her feelings by means of painting.
or
For instance, child children who always prefers their comfortable zones can express their feelings by means of painting.

while stress seems to be an indivisible part of human race, arts can act as a way to release stress.

My English is not very well and I am still learning now.
There are a few small mistakes I can revise for you.
I am so glad to learn from your essay.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 13, 2016   #3
Swati, welcome to EssayForum :) I believe that this is a good place to improve your writing skill. I hope that my contributions will be helpful towards your writing development, especially in IELTS writing task 2. With regards to your essay, you can see the detailed descriptions of my feedback below, particularly the introduction paragraph.

1st paragraph:
- Art as a subject in school has beenbecome an increasingly arguable topic these days .
- One portion of the world population(flowery language)It is argued thatbelieves art as a subject is just a wastagewaste of time, whilewhilst others consider it as vital portion of human generationfor schoolchildren.(another flowery language, be careful)

- In this essay, first Firstly, this essay will showdiscuss about how modern technology are replacingcan replace art and secondly , then will show how art helps children, then finally will presentwhich followed by reasonable conclusion.

2nd paragraph:
- WeMost people cannot thinklive their life without technology. (cannot think? just be careful, it was ambiguous)
- ...computer-literacy has become essential for everyone, and onea person who does not know how to handleoperate computer is usually considered as computer-illiteracy.(computer is something that is operated, not handled.)

Aside from grammatical corrections for 2nd paragraph, I think that your ideas were a little bit jumpy. At first, you were talking about modern technology in general for your topic sentence, but in the previous paragraph, you've mentioned about how modern technology are replacing art. Thus, I think you need to explain your point about "how modern technology are replacing art" in introduction paragraph first, rather than come up with the general means of modern technology by saying this phrase "modern technology is indivisible part".

As you can see, you still need a lot of works to be done in improving your writing skill. I believe that you can improve it for the next practice. Do let us know if you need further assistance. Good luck :)


Home / Writing Feedback / Technology versus art - what is an essential subject for children at school