Many teenagers these days prefer socialising online to meeting one another in person.

technology and socialising

It is true that the young generation these days is most likely to use social networks or other online platforms for meeting others instead of face-to-face, which makes so many conveniences. Some people believe that it will bring negative effects to young people including me. On the other hand, to encourage those for restricting this bad habit, if it has the school education and family care.

School education plays an important role in organizing students' mindsets and communicating way with others. For encouraging teenagers, school education needs to pay more attention to the activity point in school instead of completing the academic point. In addition, they should generate more and more school activities. For example, the English contest, invention competition, culture exchange,... In this way, that not only helps students improve their social connection with others in person but also can enhance their physical and mental statements comprehensively. Moreover, teachers ought to take care of their children if they are abusing technology platforms and teach them how important face-to-face communication is.

To be similar, the family should be a good pattern because of the strong impression of their children. They should create opportunities for their children's outside activities. For instance, generating family outdoor activities such as picnics, going fishing, that will make the family be closed and avoid their teenagers abusing technology so much. The parents have to often talk to their children after school or dinner for creating a good habit to share with others in person.

Teenagers could not resist the attraction of technology, especially with purposes for meeting with others. It has a negative for children's development. To solve this issue that needs support from school education and family.

I think that it is great essay, but I suggest you to make introduction simple way, based the paragraph (2,5,5,2), and the end with clearly..add: to conclude or in conclusion and so on. I just have finished by writing practice about the same topic with you. I hope you can give me revision too. thank you

Okay, you are misdirecting the discussion. You cannot make claims not included in the original prompt. If you review the original presentation, you will not see any indication that the prompt is referring to the study as a definitive truth. Since there is no basis for such a claim in your prompt restatement, you cannot deliver that information as a fact. In fact, you cannot mention it at all since it is not a part of the original presentation. The clarity of your opinion and the veracity of your prompt restatement is based only on your ability to rephrase the discussion without adding information, making false claims, or giving opinions where none is required.

Another problem with your presentation is that you have decided to discuss the negative effects of online socialization. When you review the original questions provided for your response, the first question asked actually was:

Why do you think this is the case?

So discussing the negative effects does not respond properly to the question provided. Then the second question was:

What measures could be taken to encourage teenagers to spend more time meeting one another in person?

However, for your second discussion topic, you chose to respond with a nonsensical response. Nonsensical in the sense that the sentence you created does not have any sense or meaning when read by a native English speaker:

...to encourage those for restricting this bad habit, if it has the school education and family care.

Basically, the essay will be judged as delivering a response that is totally unrelated to the task. Therefore, based on this response, I do not believe that you can get a passing score. Why will it not pass? You failed to show that you understood the prompt discussion topic and requirements. A lack of English comprehension skills will indicate that you will not be able to perform as a student in your target university.

This reason alone should be the focus of your problem with this presentation because it is the biggest problem you have. That is aside from sentence structure, grammar range, cohesiveness and coherence problems, and other errors that will further prevent you from getting a passing score.

Thank you so much for your correction @Holt @ernisernis88. That's really useful for me.