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Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates

rubychautran 10 / 27 7  
Sep 23, 2017   #1
It is neither possible nor useful for a country to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I'm writing this in the format of an IELTS writing task 2, please help me review it <3 Thank you so much!

the importance of tertiary education

Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates. Nevertheless, an uprising argument suggests that offering tertiary education for the mass of its youth is neither beneficial nor feasible for a nation. This essay disapproves this idea and will give its reasons.

Firstly, higher education contributes greatly to preparing young people for their future career. The massive growth of technology has caused the professional world to become more and more demanding, and competition in the workplace to become more and more intense. Thus, the future employee must possess professional expertise, as well as outstanding interpersonal and analytical abilities. These skills can only be obtained from academic training, social interactions and practical experience, which are offered by university education and the campus environment. On a more macroscopic scale, a highly-skilled workforce is a leading factor in prompting economic development for any country. Higher education is therefore, one of the stepping stones towards achieving sustainable development for a nation.

Secondly, regarding such necessity of tertiary education, countries should make the provision of tertiary education for aspiring students their major priority, and this can be accomplished in many ways. For instance, scholarships should be available for financially needy students, via governmental subsidies or external sources. The governments of poor countries can encourage investments in higher education from richer countries that are their trading partners. All in all, it is highly feasible for most countries to provide university training for the majority of its young people.

In conclusion, in this era of modernization, all countries should acknowledge the importance of tertiary education in their future prospects, and encourage their students to undertake university training in order to facilitate their own future career, as well as the sustainable development of their countries.

judi_soares 2 / 6  
Sep 24, 2017   #2

I really loved your essay, especially because in the first paragraph you put your opinion and go through this way. Adding your point of view to support your previously opinion.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,061 2735  
Sep 24, 2017   #3
Chau, your prompt paraphrasing is inaccurate and contains exaggerations that do not have a place in the discussion. You make it sound like a war is about to erupt over the discussion of tertiary education when the original prompt does not imply such a thing. It only represents a discussion. There is no "verge of war" as connoted by the term "uprising argument". Your response also does not represent a "degree" of disagreement with the previous statement. Please refer to the following proper example for future reference:

There is a belief that it is no longer useful for a country to provide student slots for its citizens in college. The common opinion is that this is no longer possible. I strongly disapprove of this sentiment for a number of reasons.

After the proper paraphrase is introduced, the discussion in the same vein may then follow. Your body for the discussion is right on the mark but your concluding statement is not. You should have discussed that additional information in the 3rd body of paragraph rather than in the conclusion because the conclusion is used only to close the discussion by presenting a summary of the information you provided in the opening statement and reasons from the body of paragraphs.
OP rubychautran 10 / 27 7  
Sep 24, 2017   #4
Thank you for your kind comment ❤️ I'm afraid your essay is beyond my level to evaluate, since I'm just a highschool student haha, sorry!
hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Sep 25, 2017   #5
I agree with contributor Holt's feedback that you shouldn't assert: "Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates. ". I actually was thinking the opposite.

Apart from that, your essay is brilliant with flexible use of vocabulary and grammar structure.

This is really admirable for a high school student (as you mentioned in the previous comment)! I'm in grade 12th and preparing for the IELTS test also! :D

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