This bar chart
what bar chart? You are suggested to upload picture/diagram/chart for IELTS task 1 practice. Do not make the same mistake for the next one. In addition, I also think that you need to give at least one space for each paragraph so the reader can easily read and check your essay.
However, I would still want to help you by giving some feedback for your essay.
- This bar chart
eight popular places for newlyweds
British couples to spend ...
Around 5000 couples had
- ... were chosen by over half of the
participants in the survey
the other... (While is a connector. You cannot separate it.)
- ...chose to be in Thailand and Bali with 1410 and 1335 couples
- It is followed
in the third place by Costa Rica...
- In the next place, it is
followed by 209 couples who flied to Paris. (avoid making fragment (incomplete sentence))
- ... District were the two less popular destinations
Hope this helps :)