Hi debby,
This bar chart
what bar chart? You are suggested to upload picture/diagram/chart for IELTS task 1 practice. Do not make the same mistake for the next one. In addition, I also think that you need to give at least one space for each paragraph so the reader can easily read and check your essay.
However, I would still want to help you by giving some feedback for your essay.
1st paragraph:
- This bar chart
elaboratesdescribes/depicts the information
ofabout eight popular places for
newlyweds British couples to spend ...
Around 5000 couples
had participated
in this survey.
- ... were chosen by over half of
the participants in the survey
. Whilewhile the other...
(While is a connector. You cannot separate it.)2nd paragraph:
- ...chose to be in Thailand and Bali with 1410 and 1335
couples respectively.
-
It is followed in the third place by Costa Rica...
- In the next place,
it is followed by 209 couples who flied to Paris.
(avoid making fragment (incomplete sentence))- ... District were the two less popular
destinations among...
Hope this helps :)