TOEFL Topic: Lessons can be learned through playing games

TOEFL Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Playing sports teaches us lessons about life.

I'm wondering if I write this essay in a right structure and I'm not sure if my explanation is proper to support my view. And hopefully, I could get some opinions on the score of my essay.

thank you all!

The Lessons in Physical Activities

My essay:

Admittedly, participating in physical activities, people confront unpleasant situations frequently, namely, sustaining body injuries, conflicting with others, deserting their study, etc. However, sports act as indispensable instructors in one's life as well. They help people to build good characteristcs, say, spirit of team-work, persistence through the hard time, courage of taking challenges, respect for adversaries, etc. These merits play important roles in our life, and therefore I am pro the statement.

Initially, sports provide the opportunities for people to learn to be cooperative. When a person is in a team game, such as hockey and soccer, it is of essence for him to have team spirit. Take basketball, which is a team sport, as an example. There are two teams of five players each trying to score by shooting a ball through a hoop. For winning the game, it is key to spend less time to make more baskets and to prevent the defence team from stealing the ball or deflecting passes . These require that each one of all five players in offence team should trust and cooperate with his teammates, in order to move the ball by both dribbling and passing more efficiently. Thus it is real team effort that contributes to the complete success of one game ,from which we can learn cooperation.

Furthermore, sports teach one to respect and regard rather than disdain and humiliate. Fierce sports competitions go with powerful contestants. Yet no matter how much intensity through competing or how much eagerness one longing for win, mutual respect among competitors carries the greatest weight. ' Friendship first, competition second ' is a renowned saying that shows the significance of regard. It means that if I won, I would respect other opponents' dedication and participation instead of scorning them; and if I lost, I would congratulate to the winner and keep my motivation to succeed next time rather than be consumed by jealousy. Hence this sort of sports spirit teaches me to be respectful and courteous, especially when I am confronted with the disagreement on my statement or divergent views for my solution in my life.

Besides, the courage to face new challenges and the confidence of overcoming difficulties are also cultivated in sports activities. While the challenges along with ceaseless new sports competitions are getting tougher, athletes are obliged to make progress and to update their own records more rapidly. As a consequence, pressure of training increases and stress management becomes more important for them. Their ability of conquering the fear and staying optimistic will be gradually enhanced through training, and thereby they will gain more courage to face the next competition, through which they may even gain more self-confidence. So people can benefit from the immense courage and confidence they obtained by doing sport in their life, when they are suffering hardship.

In conclusion, having sports do enlighten and instruct people. Lessons can be learned through physical activities and have a positive influence on people's life.

Before I begin the corrections, good ideas and structure. You just need to work on the wording and grammar and you should be well off for the exam

Admittedly, participating in physical activities, people confront unpleasant situations frequently, namely, sustaining body injuries, conflicting with others, deserting their study, etc. (too long, rather) Participating in physical activities can lead to undesired situations like most commonly, getting injured. However, participating in such activities can act as an indispensable instructor in one's life as well. They help people to learn good aspects of life, like spirit of team-work, persistence through hard work and the courage of taking on challenges. These merits play important roles in our life, and therefore I agree with the statement.

Some parts stand out to me more because it feels like you are trying to put in one or two smart-sounding words and it doesn't go with the flow of the rest of the sentence. Just remember that its better to sound natural and make the sentence flow.

keep practicing writing papers and as someone that took the exam myself, its better to have proper argument and a good flow than to try to sound sophisticated and losing your voice.

good luck

Thank you so much for your advice. It's really helpful. I will keep on working on the wording and grammar and I wish I could do better when I took the exam. :-)

These merits play important roles in our life, and therefore I am pro in agreement with the statement.

Initially, sports provide the opportunities for people to learn to be cooperative.

Furthermore, sports teach one to respect and regard rather than disdain and humiliate.-- excellent sentence! Your discussion of basketball is good, too.

...the confidence for overcoming difficulties are also cultivated in sports activities.

This sentence is confusing:
Admittedly, participating in physical activities, people confront unpleasant situations frequently, namely, sustaining body injuries, conflicting with others, deserting their study, etc.
Do this:
Admittedly, people participating in physical activities confront unpleasant situations frequently, including namely body injuries, conflicts with others, deserting their studies, etc.

:-) good luck!! Keep practicing! I think you are already prepared to pass the toefl.

EF Kevin: I am so encouraged and will definitely keep practicing! :-)
thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it!