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IELTS topic. Modern society benefits greatly from computer technology.

y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Apr 7, 2012   #1
Hi guys, this is my 2nd essay that I've written, it took me an hour to write it. I hope you can give me some advice and maybe an IELTS score. Thank you.

Modern society benefits greatly from computer technology. However, becoming more dependent on computers has its disadvantages. Discuss threats of computers.

Undoubtedly, one of the most significant innovations in recent years has been computer technology. However, a matter of considerable controversy at present is the issue whether the modern world benefits from artificial intelligence, or is rather addicted to using it.

Apart from being time-saving, computers can also do things which people could hardly do before. For instance, people can find and share information in just a few seconds, or spend their free time reading electronic books, listening to music or even connecting with people from the other corners of the world. Furthermore, many scientists agree that computer technology plays a major role in modern medicine, in the future genetic engineers could be able to find new cures for diseases like cancer, AIDS or diabets. Consequently, life-expectancy is longer than it used to be 20 years ago.

However, the greatest disadvantage of using computers in addiction. As a recent study carried out by the 'International Group of Digital Development' shows, more than 73 per cent of people around the world said that computers controlled their life, spending about 10 hours per day in front of it, and almost 30 per cent claimed that they would grow angry or impatient if they did not turn on their computers. Further explanations are given by Michael Roberts, who points out that, just like drugs, computers can have devastating effects, starting with health problems: obesity, unhealthy diet, sedentarism, eyes disease and ending with mental disorders: madness, breakdowns or suicide attempts.

To conclude, it is clear that computer technology is responsible not only for the development of genetic engineering and medical discoveries, but also for human beings' behaviour and activities. People can choose to benefit from this new technology, or be domined and sidetracked by it.

peterc 14 / 52  
Apr 8, 2012   #2
Hi y0_3mma,

I hope I can give you some opinions... although I consider myself a new comer still :)

The topic mentions "Discuss threads of computers", but only one related point is given. You could take an example away from the third paragraph and give one more point.
OP y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Apr 8, 2012   #3
So I should erase the 2nd paragraph? I'm confused, from what you told me, I have to discuss just the 'threads', so there's no need to point out the benefits of computers, right?
peterc 14 / 52  
Apr 8, 2012   #4
Hi y0_3mma,

Sorry that I didn't proofread and it should be 'threats' but not 'threads'.

I just think that you can give more explanations to the main point in the third paragraph. There are two examples to support your point, but I would prefer a detailed explanation followed by an example. Maybe it's just my perception... I did not mention the others paragraphs as they are really good, so you should keep the good work. :)
OP y0_3mma 19 / 28 6  
Apr 8, 2012   #5
yeah, after i posted my reply i saw that it was "threats'.
I think I've got your idea now, thanks for your feedback!

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