Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Paper NEWS importance

Please comment, Please check and correct my mistakes (Grammar and Vocabulary)

TOPIC: Although more and more people read the news on the internet, newspaper will remain the most important source of news for the majority of people. Do you agree or disagree with that statement?

News Printed and Online

Advances in technology have given impact on life of people. Some people believe that despite the widespread popularity of online media, but traditional newspaper still hold the most vital position among news readers. In my perspective, the news on the internet will has become important role than printed newspaper.

It is true that have many reasons to attract people read news on the internet. First of all, the news of source is easy access huge storage of news, you only type the keyword and wait for a few seconds. Secondly, online media is quickly update information by hours. In fact, for example terrorist attacks, would be updated immediately on CNN or other online media. By contrast, with process waste time editing and printing, traditional newspaper might not compete with the internet in terms of the updating speed. Besides, one limitation of newspaper is that it can not convey visual messages to people who read news on a regular basis. Meanwhile, online media has allowed you to upload photos, voice records and videos on online websites. For instance, football fans can re-watch their favorite matches anytime they want with only a laptop connected to the internet, which a paper can not do.

In conclusion, I absolutely disagree that printed paper would continue to be the role of importance because more and more people will use the internet who will be receive benefits from it.

Dat, your essay is really very confusing to read because you use connecting words where it is not necessary. One example of the misplaced use of connecting words is in your opening statement's sentence #2. When you use connecting words unnecessarily, such as in the instance of the 2nd sentence, you end up writing a sentence that does not make any sense because there is no meaning to it. There is no clear subject and predicate indicated in the developed thought. Therefore, the viewer is left highly confused by what you are trying to say.

Next, you took the second paragraph and discussed all of the possible topics for discussion, in support of your statement there. That is never the right approach because you end up just giving information without really explaining how this supports your point of view. When writing an opinion essay, it is not the quantity of evidence that you present, but the quality of the evidence that you present which is important. Delivering one ore two properly explained and developed stands for your discussion will be more than sufficient. However, these need to be delivered as highly developed individual paragraphs and not as a continuous paragraph discussion. Aim for at least a 4 paragraph discussion presentation at all times.

Finally, the conclusion you developed is too short. Always stick to the required minimum of 3 sentences and make sure that you accurately summarize the previous discussion for the conclusion. You did an acceptable job with your conclusion. It would have been better though if you had presented at least 3 sentences in it for a higher possible overall score.

@Holt
Thank for your comment. I will try to fix my mistakes in next essay