experiencing new places and conditions in the world
Today more and more tourists are visiting places where conditions are difficult, such as the Sahara desert and the Antarctic.
what are the benefits and disadvantages for tourists who visit such places?
Recently, it became increasingly for tourists to travel to places where harsh lives are. Like the Sahara and the Antarctic. This essay will state the advantage behind such action as experiencing new places and conditions in the world. Also, the downside that is represented by jeopardizing themselves within the unknowns.
It cannot be disputed that visiting places in which tough conditions are, is considered a new life experience. Deserts and icy poles are different habitats, new kind of animals are there, and new adaptations methods are followed by the people who lives there that could open your eyes about the diversity of life within only one planet . For example, in my visit to the Antarctic 8 years ago, I stayed with a family there for 3 days, we cooked what we hunted and turned fire by woods.
However, the amount of danger in such places cannot be predicted. When going to difficult environments you are jeopardizing yourself through the unknown, these places are poor in professional facilities that you might need if you got injured, which could occur easily. For instance, in 1988, a campaign of scientists was sent by the UK to the north pole to study the extinction of polar bears, one member of the staff got a stroke and died due to lake of immediate professional care.
In conclusion, visiting odd places with difficult condition is an amazing adventure that could change a lot in your life. On the other hand, it would be extremely dangerous if something wrong went there and help could not be received.
PARAGRAPH 1:
There is a word (I suppose an adjective) missing from the first sentence "...increasingly________ for tourists....like the Sahara ..."
You cannot use "Like the Sahara and the Atlantic" as a sentence since it is not one. So please merge it into your first sentence.
"...conditions in the world along with the downside..."
PARAGRAPH 2:
places where tough conditions exist...
"For example, in my visit to the Antarctic ..." How did your personal experience serve to "open your eyes about the diversity of life" Please explain this to the reader since you mentioned it in the preceding sentence
PARAGRAPH 3:
You should consider omitting the word "However" and stating something like "while the experience can be wonderful..." the numerous dangers...are unpredictable."
Instead of "these places are poor in professional facilities" consider saying "these places lack proper medical facilities"
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15347 Amal, The good news is that you have proven that you can understand complex English discussion presentations. However, I must stop you from writing practice essays at this point. You have an extreme difficulty in presenting your discussions in every paragraph because of an obvious lack of sentence structure development ability. These sentences all sound like these were translated from your mother tongue into English. Which is why your explanations seem to be confusing. However, the structure it is presented in clues me in on the fact that your sentence, based on your native tongue, probably made more sense.
You must not continue to practice writing test essays until you have gotten a hang of writing in English. That means increasing your sentence development lessons / exercises and reading more English texts. That way, you will learn how to properly develop and present the discussion in fluent English. The sentence development lessons will be most helpful to you since those exercises force you to read, listen, and think in English before you write. These exercises will help you develop the fluency that you currently lack.
I refuse to judge your English writing abilities based on this first essay. This is not really reflective of your actual ability to perform in the test. Only after a specific amount of time doing sentence development exercises should you venture into writing another essay. Practice for about a month before you write another essay. You should be better at developing and presenting your sentences by then.
Hi @amal_yaddy,
I agree completely with what @Holt has said. In my honest opinion, I believe your level is not more than 5 as a band score. Here is some tips for you to improve your writing in task 2:
1. When you write the sentence "this essay will blah blah ...", this sentence might be considered a memorized sentence and the examiner could deduct the number of words in this particular sentence from your total essay's word count. In that case, if your essay has 260 words, definitely you will be under the word count which is 250 words.
2. Use a clear topic sentence for each body paragraph.
3. Read more about complex and compound sentences and the correct use within paragraphs.
4. Use some realistic examples that would support your view.
Good luck
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