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Task 2 - Townsfolk either live alone or in small family units, rather than in large family groups

acynguyen0909 3 / 7 1  
Jun 15, 2019   #1

the family effect

In many countries today, people in cities either live alone or in small family units, rather than in large family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?

Nowadays, people living in city are no longer stay with the big groups of family; they tend to have lonely life or their small family just including 2 generations. In my personal choice, this issue brought them both benefits and drawbacks as below.

On the one hand, living alone or 2 generations family has some advantages in developing the foundation of their characteristics. It is undeniable that townsfolk gain the good experiences in life while they must face the problems such as foods, houses, children's education and other daily expenses. Almost of them become more enthusiasm, independent and responsible. In particular, they have to take responsibility with their owned life; it is effective to develop their career when their efforts are earning money and getting achievement to maintain and advance their living conditions.

On the other hand, there are several drawbacks when townspeople do not live with their big families. Those usually consist of more 3 generations such as grandparents, parents and children. The elder people in a family achieved a lot of experience familiar their career and family problems. Nevertheless, because of living in different houses or even changing lifestyle, they cannot share a lot with their children, give advises or make suggestion in daily problems.

In conclusion, living alone or in small family of people in city will be the good foundation in educating their characteristic but they will lack of shares, advises and suggestions about experience from the elder in their big family groups.

P/s Hi guys, pls help me to improve my writing by your sincere comment. Give me your forecasted band core as well! My target is 6.

coke 14 / 28 13  
Jun 15, 2019   #2
There are grammatical mistakes to be found in your essay. I'd suggest using assistance software to help you point out the errors. Small mistakes like '... are no longer stayING' can damage your score.

About the ideas, I wouldn't sit on a fence but stick to 1 side for this type of questions, which makes your opinion more consistent throughout the essay.

I think the topic sentence in paragraph 2 is not clear. You could change the phrase 'developing the foundation of ...' to something like 'building up people's confidence to take responsibility in their lives'

Paragraph 3 seems underdeveloped and the second sentence in this paragraph is not completed.
nguyenvuong 3 / 4 2  
Jun 15, 2019   #3
Hello. here are some comments:

- Not sure if it is good to start two body paragraphs with "on the one hand" in the first and "in the other hand" in the following. This phrase should be used in only one paragraph to support a statement.

- In the conclusion let alone the meaning, it should include at least two sentences.

- an issue cannot bring any benefits, can it? and also why did you use in past tense?
OP acynguyen0909 3 / 7 1  
Jun 15, 2019   #4

Thank you all for your comment.
I wrote it in 60 minutes without dictionary and actually I did not have enough time to review it. Therefore, I kept it as origin.

However, your suggestions are so helpful. I will try to improve my weaknesses.
Hope you all have a great weekend!
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Jun 15, 2019   #5
Hello there!

I'll try to provide substantive feedback on your essay.

Firstly, I suggest trying to be more descriptive when you are elaborating your ideas. You mention in your third paragraph that a disadvantage of not having generations within a single household would be the absence of that elderly guidance that they can potentially provide. Put more weight into this. Introduce, for instance, a scenario wherein a younger person would want to have these interactions with the elderly. Tackle furthermore how this impacts the self-development of people in the long-run.

The second paragraph is also quite unclear with the direction of the meaning that it's attempting to relay. Are you talking about the advantages of living independently, especially because they can focus more on activities that they individually enjoy? If this is what you are referring to, please be more explicit with writing a thesis line.

For instance, you can opt to say:

On the one hand, living alone or 2 generations family has some the advantages in developing of focusing on the foundation of their characteristics. their self-development.

You should always try to write with as much intent and straightforwardness as much as possible. Always try to consider these.

Best of luck as always!
OP acynguyen0909 3 / 7 1  
Jun 16, 2019   #6
Hi Maria,

Thank you for your feedback after review my essay.

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