The traditional music still deserves being cherished and preserved much more than the international

IELTS writing task 2: Traditional music and international music

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

In this day and age, multitudinous genres of music have been released in many parts of the world. Furthermore, music plays an entertaining role and has a significant impact on our emotional and mental health. Various as music is, traditional music still deserves being cherished and preserved much more than the popular music does because of its importance.

Clearly, music can prove fruitful for people by dint of its range of benefits. Firstly, listening to music can be referred as a way that people immerse in a world which is away from the hustle and the bustle of normal life. Also, intense schedule of work and studying induces stress, depression and preoccupation on everyone. Music seems to be the simplest way to do away with those negative impacts in a short time.

Moreover, there are two main reasons for the paramount characteristics of the traditional music in a country. First and foremost, most traditional music is built on the history, culture, story of a country, which reminds young people of their countries' past. This, intentionally, raises the pride in each individual citizen and help them to learn more about their nation. Secondly, it would be so a real pity if a country lost its unique characteristics in music. Thus, young people will be sensitized to their responsibility as paying respect to their countries' music.

In conclusion, life without music would make people encounter difficulty in living positively. Indeed, fun and catchy though modern music might be, the valuation of traditional music should never be diminished.

Please help me with the feedback for this essay. Thank you so much!

deserve to be cherished and preserved/ deserve cherishing and preserving
"much more than the popular music does" the word "does" is unnecessary

This essay sounds like you opened a dictionary and a thesaurus simultaneously to help you find as many impressive big sounding words that you can insert in the essay you wrote. The focus on using "big" words that do not create a natural discussion feel in the sentences and paragraph will be a problem for your score. That is because you are using words that may not be used in the proper context within your presentation. The examiner is trained to spot an exam taker who is merely trying to impress him with his knowledge of "advanced" English words, but with the inability to use it properly. Rather than scoring better in the LR and GRA section, the misuse of these words will result in a down scaling of your score instead. Words such as multitudinous, dint, paramount, to name but a few. Memorized and often used phrases such as "hustle and bustle" will also not help your score.

@sherlockhomes: thank you!
@Holt
Thank you for your detailed feedback! How can I improve my vocabulary on this essay? I will notice and keep your advise in my mind for the upcoming exam